I think the refrigerator was a really cool invention (pun intended… lame… maybe… but pun still intended). Why is refrigerator spelled “refrigerator” but fridge is spelled “fridge” … where the hell did the D come from? I’m going to go out, on something other than a limb, and guess that refrigerator was derived from the word frigid… they just tossed a “re” in front of it… even though the job of the refrigerator isn’t so much to refrigerate, as it is to just plain frigerate. If I’m right, then we’ve been spelling fridge wrong for years! If refrigerator doesn’t have a D in it… and frigid doesn’t have a D in it (and yes I’m aware that frigid has a D, but it’s at the end of the word… not before the G… so stop thinking you’re so clever… smartass) then where the hell did the D in fridge come from?! Are we allowed to just arbitrarily throw letters into words now? If so, I’m spelling coconut with Q… coconqut… and no… the Q is not silent… so I’m completely changing the word coconut to coconqut… and if you say coconut, ever again, you’re wrong.

Do you suppose the freezer was invented before or after the fridge? Logic, seemingly, supports both cases. It would make sense to assume that some guy, who was good with a wrench, made it a point to beef up his fridge much the way a slightly manlier man would beef up his automobile, or how a baseball player would beef up himself… with steroids! I hadn’t ever put the pieces together, until right now… a freezer is really just a fridge that’s been injected with steroids… I’ll bet the guy with the wrench played baseball when he was younger. But yes, conversely, one could argue that the freezer came first, and the fridge was refined to have the precision to find a temperature between frozen and warm. Personally, I like to think that everything evolved from the fridge… things like heaters and flamethrowers have adapted to be warmer, while things like freezers and… … ice found a way to get colder. The fridge is right in the center of the universe!

It makes sense when you think about it. Typically we associate burning with heat. If you set yourself on fire, you will get burnt, if you acquire the services of a particularly ambitious call girl, you will likely get burnt (at some point in the not too distant future). For some strange reason, however, we can also be burned by cold. Leave a piece of chicken in the freezer too long, and it’ll get freezer burn, head north in the winter and run around naked, you’re bound to get frost bite… what the fuck is the deal?! Why can we feel the same sensation, from these polar opposites? The only conclusion I can come up with is that burning was invented by the first fridge, and over the course of evolution, the burn has found its way to both the hot and the cold extremes.

Here’s what really puzzles me though. I’m alright with the fact that you can get burnt by things that are really hot and by things that are really cold… extreme, basically equals burn. But how can a human being be both hot, and cool? Even the great fridge can’t pull that shit off. I mean, which is it? I’ve seen people whom I’d consider hot, I’ve spoken to people who were cool… hell I’ve encountered poor bastards who are neither cool nor hot… all of that works out just fine. But really, how can anyone be both? It’s like going left and right at the same time, or being both Albert Einstein and Miss South Carolina… impossible!

The stuff in my fridge is smart. It all found that healthy medium that you find when existing inside a fridge. I wish I were as smart as that jar of pickles.

Fucking temperature…

Recap:
Refrigerator wants nothing to do with D;
Fridge refuses to go sans D;
D = (-) D?
I don’t like math;

Tell your friends to consider you either cool or hot… but never both… cuz that would be impossible.

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