I wish I had a friend named named Bernie. I would spend a weekend at his house, and it would be the craziest weekend of my life. Unfortunately, It’d be the only weekend I could spend at Bernie’s place, cuz if everything went as planned, Bernie would be dead when I got there… and my friend, Andrew McCarthy and I (My friend Andrew McCarthy would accompany me to Bernie’s house) would have to string Bernie up like a marionette, put some sunglasses on him, and make him seem alive for the course of the entire weekend. The big problem is that Bernie lives on the beach, and has all sorts of crazy parties… and Andrew McCarthy and I would have to fool everyone into thinking that Bernie was still alive… I don’t really remember why we’d have to do that, but we would. Anyway, over the course of the weekend I’d end up solving Bernie’s murder case (I suppose I should mention that Bernie was murdered… and I’m pretty sure it was set up to look like Andrew McCarthy and I were the ones who killed him… that’s why we had to try convince people that Bernie was still alive).

Have you ever tried to string up a dead man, and make it look like he was alive? No? Me neither… but I’d imagine it’d be pretty damn tough to pull off. If I ever end up meeting a guy named Bernie, I’ll let you know how it goes.

So here’s a question… let’s assume that I meet a dead guy named Bernie, spend a weekend tricking people into thinking that Bernie is alive, figure out who killed Bernie, go back to my regular life for a while… if I have another excursion at Bernie’s place, a few weeks, or months later, wouldn’t Bernie have decomposed significantly? I doubt that after a month of being dead, some voodoo-practicing woman can put a curse on Bernie, that makes him dance around when music is playing (especially considering Bernie can’t hear… what with his condition of being deceased and all) and no one can tell that he’s actually a dead guy. I mean he’d smell really, really bad, his skin would probably be a greenish-blue colour and the guy would just, literally, be falling apart. I’m pretty sure if I saw a blue guy, who was decomposing and smelled, exponentially, worse than some rotten fruit platter, I’d conclude that said dude may be dead… even if I didn’t really think the guy was dead, the thought would cross my mind, and I may decide to take a closer look, or ask someone “hey… is that dude dead?”

Curiosity may have killed the cat… but I’m a human being, and my brain is significantly larger, and more developed than that of a cat… so I really don’t think that applies to me. I’m not sure why none of Bernie’s friends are even the slightest bit curious as to why they’re companion is looking so much different than he had in the past… I don’t know… I guess it probably has something to do with the fact that he doesn’t actually look any different… he should, but he doesn’t. Bernie just ages really well… you know, some people get really wrinkly skin when they get older, maybe they go bald, or have gray hair… and some people die, and don’t decompose, because they are superhuman. Bernie is that guy. That’s why I wish I were friends with him… well that, and he’s a rich dude with a kick ass mansion, right on the beach. I’d imagine that you could be a dead guy, and still pick up chicks with house like Bernie’s. What a lucky son of a bitch.

Do you ever sit around your house and think “I probably need to solve a murder so that the police don’t think I killed that guy”? Yeah… me too. You never know when some random stranger on the street might spot you and say… “hey, I think you’re responsible for the murder of that dude in New York… you know, the guy who was killed in 1964?” What are you supposed to do if that happens? I don’t think you can just convince the guy that you didn’t do it… you’d have to run, solve the case, and then show him the cold, hard proof that you, in fact, were not yet born in 1964. He may still be skeptical, but if you really solve the case it should hold up in court… so you should be ok.

I would make an excellent detective.

Recap:
I wish I had a friend named Bernie so I could spend my weekend hanging out at his bitching house and solving his murder;
Stringing up dead people to make them look alive probably doesn’t work;
Decomposition is like aging… it doesn’t affect everyone (even though aging ultimately does affect everyone);
Cats are not intelligent;
Solving murders is an important part of life.

Tell your friends that I have reason to believe they killed that guy, who died in his sleep, 12 years ago.

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