How cool is Bill Shatner? William Shatner’s associates and close, personal friends call him Bill, so I’m calling him Bill… cuz I’m one of his close, personal friends… he’s just unaware of this fact at the moment. But seriously, how cool is William Shatner? That wasn’t a rhetorical question, and the answer is: way too cool for school! Let’s mull over a couple facts. William Shatner is pushing 80 and the man is still filming movies, releasing albums, doing comedy shtick, plowing his wife, being William Shatner, and kicking ass. If I still have a pulse at 30 I’ll consider it an accomplishment. That wasn’t really a couple facts, but I’m not retracting my previous statement. You will contemplate what I allow you to contemplate… and nothing more.

My new goal in life is to become William Shatner (my old goal in life was something else). I’m going to be John Cusack in Being John Malkovich, except I’m going to be Bill Shatner instead of John Malkovich. I’m not sure where the tunnel to William Shatner is located (that sounds a little questionable… if you’re some kind of pervert… otherwise it sounds perfectly fine) but I will devote the rest of my life to finding out (where the tunnel is located… you’d know that if you didn’t read the last set of brackets… or have a brain capacity that allows you to retain more than eight words at a time). Wait… if I’m John Cusack, when I’m being Bill Shatner, does that make me William Shatner or John Cusack? Am I going to need to tunnel into John Cusack before I can tunnel into William Shatner? If I tunnel into John Cusack do I have to ask Joan Cusack for permission? If I’m supposed to ask Joan Cusack for permission, but don’t, will I have to eliminate Joan Cusack, as John Cusack? If I kill Joan Cusack (as John Cusack) does that mean I killed Joan Cusack, or John Cusack killed Joan Cusack? If I’m John Cusack and I don’t kill Joan Cusack, will Joan Cusack kill me? If Joan Cusack kills me, is she killing me, or John Cusack? Being Bill Shatner is hard.

I think I should have a little chat with Charlie Kaufman where I convince him to write a sequel, to Being John Malkovich, called Being William Shatner. The cool thing about this movie though, would be the fact that the film just follows Joan Cusack around as she goes on a murderous killing spree. I could see Charlie Kaufman digging my idea, because:

1. It’s a cool idea.
2. It’s redundant… and redundancy just makes regular things better. Take killing sprees, for example… they make for cool movie premises and all, but they’re way better when they involve murderousness.

Maybe at the end of the film Joan Cusack has her memory of John Cusack erased, ala Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, because she killed William Shatner, which inadvertently killed John Cusack, cuz John Cusack was William Shatner. I’m not sure if the audience could handle me being John Cusack, while John Cusack is William Shatner… but if they could, that would totally make the movie better… cuz in the film, Joan Cusack is in love with me, but she doesn’t realize that I’ve become John Cusack (so that I could become Bill Shatner) and at the end of the flick, the doorman at her building tells her that I died because she killed William Shatner… and then she kills him (the doorman).

Fuck… it’s almost 4am and I think I’m losing my mind!!!

Recap:
William Shatner is really John Cusack;
Joan Cusack is the gate keeper to John Cusack;
Charlie Kaufman is susceptible to hypnotism;
Charlie Kaufman loves my idea of a Being John Malkovich sequel;
Seriously… losing my mind.

Tell your friends, to tell their friends to tell their friends to do the six degrees of separation thing until Charlie Kaufman reads this and contacts me.

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