Pictionary is a really shitty game when you’re playing by yourself; it’s not even challenging. Sometimes when I’m playing Pictionary by myself, I try to trick me into thinking I’m drawing something that I’m not drawing… but it never works. Sometimes I just end up drawing a collection of random shit… and still, I always manage to get the answer right. I’m not sure if it’s easy because I know what it is I’m trying to draw… or if I’m just really good at Pictionary. I think it could be a combination of the two.

Now that I think of it, a lot of board games are a pointless waste of time. Like when you play Monopoly, but you always win, because you trade your good property to yourself in return for get out of jail free cards (that you don’t use because you’re rigging the game so the race-car will win)… I mean what’s the point?

I want to play Donald Trump in a game of Monopoly, and I want to be the race-car, and I want to kick his ass so badly that he calls his security guards over to thrash me with brass knuckles… and steal Boardwalk and Park Place, and the green places, and any hotels that I may have erected. You’re probably wondering why the hell I’d want to get beaten up by Donald Trump’s thugs… well the answer is simple… lawsuit!

I’m a fan of early retirement. I plan to retire sometime next week, move to Europe and just roam the streets… that would be the ideal life for me. I probably wouldn’t roam the streets much… I’d wander around until I found a comfortable couch or chair, and then I’d just hang out there for the rest of my life… it would probably get kind of boring, but I’d play board games like Life to keep myself occupied.

Remember how exciting the game of Life was? I think every kid wanted to sit around spinning the wheel. I still want to sit around and spin the wheel. How come the Life wheel never spins smoothly? Wouldn’t it be way cooler if they built the board so that the wheel spun in a nice smooth fashion? I think Life would sell better if the wheel actually worked properly… great idea, poor execution. Kids don’t really care how poorly the wheel spins though… they’re too excited to be spinning the wheel… I don’t blame them.

When you think about it, a lot of board games are planned kinda poorly. Like why do you eat marbles in Hungry Hungry Hippos? Wouldn’t it make more sense if you ate strands of grass? I’m pretty sure hippos don’t actually eat marbles… I mean, I’m no expert, but I don’t think marbles are particularly rich in nutrients… I could be wrong though… I probably am. They probably would’ve been better off making the game Hungry Hungry Pac Man… cuz Pac Man seems to survive on a diet of little white pellets and blue ghosts… but only dark blue ghosts… for some reason the light blue ghost kills Pac Man… you’d think light blue ghosts are a watered down version of dark blue ghosts… but nope… light blue ghosts are way more lethal to Pac Men.

If Pac Man were a real dude, do you think he’d get pissed off when a shitty player played his game? Does he sit around in his little maze and say… “Oh crap, here’s that kid who keeps missing the cherries… would it kill him to let me have a treat?” If I were Pac Man, I’d get really fat so that I couldn’t fit down the tunnel and I’d just sit in one place… and I’d start each game right in front of the fruit. I think if Pac Man was fat, the ghosts wouldn’t even bother chasing him… what would be the fun in it? And why do the ghosts chase Pac Man? What do they have against him? I mean, if I saw some big yellow head, strolling through a tunnel eating pellets, I don’t think I’d be inclined to kill him… sadistic bastards.

For my next game of Pictionary, I’m going to draw Pac Man… and I’m going to get the answer right!

Recap:
They should change the name of Pictionary to “Drawing” and you should get a pad of paper and a pencil in the box;
Monopoly doesn’t need to come with a board… you just need to roll the dice to see who gets the race-car;
Donald Trump should send me a shoebox full of money;
Marbles aren’t as rich in nutrients as we thought them to be;
Pac Man must hate his life.

Draw your friends a picture and make them guess what it is you’re trying to tell them.

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