Have you ever had one of those nights where you’re out late, you get pretty soused, and then you wander about town, looking for places to score a meal at 3am? I haven’t had one of those nights in a while. In my defense (I’m not really sure what it is that needs defending here) it’s cold out… I don’t want to wander anywhere, unless there’s a place, out there, where the hills are made of blankets and it rains brimstone. The raining brimstone thing may be going a little far… particularly if the place, where it’s raining brimstone, is a land of blankets… there would never be a shortage of work for firemen at that place.

How’s that for a solution to the economic crisis? Build a city of flammable blankets, hire some archers to rain down fiery arrows, and then employ a bunch of firefighters. Economic crisis solved. It would be a great place to live too… not a lot of homeless folk, high employment, warm weather, and a nice dry heat too. I wouldn’t even need to own a coat. And speaking of coats… why the fuck aren’t there any companies that make coats out of blankets? Blankets have proven, time and time again, that they keep people warm. The purpose of a coat is to keep people warm. Is no one, in the coat fabricating industry, putting the pieces together? Am I really the guy who is going to have to spearhead this project?

But I digress. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that fast food restaurants, that have recently decided to open their doors 24 hours (‘recently’ being relative to my high school days, when a lot of late hours were logged over the years, searching for open restaurants at ridiculous hours), have done so in an attempt to make money by catering to college students/alcoholics, who are cranked, and hungry after a night of binge drinking. Good plan. Hungry people, with impaired judgment, make for easy robbery victims. If you’re particularly drunk, and want a hamburger, by the time you get your hands on said hamburger, your mind is probably a little too preoccupied to remember if the bill was paid using a ten, or a twenty… and good luck figuring out if the change is right anyway.

Here’s what I don’t understand: if you’re a fast food joint; why on earth, are you targeting drunken customers at 3am, by closing down your restaurant, and offering your services through the drive-thru window? Either the people who came up with this plan are promoting drunk-driving, or they’re just incredibly stupid. How is a responsible drunkard (again… relative term) supposed to blow his money? Even if the dude walks through the drive-thru and gets served… where is he supposed to eat? Is the guy going to sit on the curb, in the freezing cold, and eat his Big Mac, while staring into the vacant restaurant across the parking lot? Whoever came up with the idea to have a 24 hour drive-thru: you sir, are a sadistic son of a bitch!

Here’s my plan. Next time I get, off-my-rocker, drunk, I’m going to break into the local hardware store, to find something that I can use, to break into McDonald’s with. Hardware stores are chalked full of crowbars and sledgehammers and riding lawnmowers that could effortlessly smash, break, and plow their way through the front door (or window if you want to be a little more dramatic) of any fast food restaurant. I feel bad, having to break into a hardware store that has done no wrong by closing at a reasonable hour and not leaving a drive-thru window open, to taunt my inebriated ass, but it’s the only way I could ever dream of attaining the necessary tools, with which to break into a fast food restaurant, at four in the morning. I’m sure if I explained the situation to the owner of the hardware store, he’d have no problem with the incident. Maybe, because I’m a nice guy, I’d steal an extra riding lawnmower and drive into a bank so I can steal some funds to pay for all of the tools that I’d stolen from the hardware store.

The bank had it coming… they too have a 24 hour drive-thru… jackasses.

Recap:
Wearing a flammable blanket, when it’s raining brimstone, is a bad idea;
Economic Crises are best solved by hiring workers to build a city constructed of blankets, then hiring archers to set the city aflame, then hiring firemen to put out the fire, then opening bars, where the townspeople can celebrate;
The 24 hour drive-thru window needs to be replaced by the 24 hour walk-in door;
Where 24 hour walk-in doors are not available, there are hardware stores.

Tell your friends to put their fingers on your crowbar.

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