You ever get really bored… like so mind-blowingly bored that the only conceivable remedy, to your sorry-ass state of mind, is to watch infomercials? Yeah, that happens to me sometimes… so last time I got really bored, I decided I’d watch an infomercial… and that’s when this idea hit me… actually I’m pretty sure the idea hit me after that, cuz at the time I was too busy watching an infomercial to come up with ideas.

Infomercials are smart, cuz they take simple, not-particularly-original ideas, and sell them to you, while you’re contemplating whether or not it would be in your best interest to shove a wet fork into the electric socket behind your TV. For some reason… you never do end up prodding the socket with a fork… you wish you had… but you didn’t do it… unless you did… but if you did, you aren’t reading this right now, and that means you are not my target audience.

I wish I were that guy who hosts infomercials (why does it always seem as though it’s the same guy?) he gets incredibly excited over the littlest things. Like, “You’re saying this funnel can actually separate nickels from dimes!?! That’s amazing!?! How on earth, have human beings lived this long, without such an incredible product?!” That dude is so excited, that every time he ends a sentence it’s in the form of a question, and then he grabs a sheet of paper and draws a few exclamation points. “What’s for dinner tonight, honey!?!” “… Pork Chops…” “Wow really!?!” That’s when his wife jumps out the window… he doesn’t mind though, cuz the next day he goes to work, he just grabs another woman from the audience and declares them married. The weird thing is the woman is cool with it… cuz he’s so excited about it, that she gets excited about it as well. I think they’ll make a great couple!

The thing about infomercials… is they get you at your lowest of lows. You’re alone, you’re bored, and for some reason you feel the need to buy a multi-purpose blender… so you could make shakes that you never actually drink. It seems like a fabulous idea at the time… like “that blender will change my life!” The next day you wake up, and you feel a lot like the guy who got super-cranked, at a bar, the night before, and picked up that woman who nobody was talking too… which seemed like an alright idea, but you find out she’s got a thicker beard than you do… and then you feel really nauseous… and it’s not from the hangover… yeah… that’s how you feel about buying the blender you’re never going to use… exactly like that!

I think it would make sense to do up a dating service infomercial. The host basically gets all excited about these undesirable men and women; and lonely drunk people buy said undesirable men and woman for 3 easy payments of 19.95 (plus shipping and handling fees… I’m not sure what those fees would work out to on people). It’s one of those everybody wins scenarios though… you’re sitting at home, feeling like a bit of a loser, with nothing to do… and the people on the show are at a point where they just feel like losers all the time… so much so that they aren’t watching infomercials anymore, they are infomercials.

I’m either going to create the infomercial-dating-service infomercial… or I’m going to create a super product that combines every infomercial product into one. It’ll be like an ultra-blender-fruit dehydrator-vacuum sealing sandwich bag that can cut through cans and still slice a tomato, remove hair from your legs and back with no razor, and clean all the grime off your shower head, while effortlessly removing stains from your clothes, and giving your abs a complete workout in just five minutes! I think that’s a product that everyone could get excited about.

The kicker is that the ultra-blender-fruit dehydrator-vacuum sealing sandwich bag that can cut through cans and still slice a tomato, remove hair from your legs and back with no razor, and clean all the grime off your shower head, while effortlessly removing stains from your clothes, and giving your abs a complete workout in just five minutes, will also gladly take you out to dinner on Friday nights… and it’ll be available for just 3 easy payments of 29.95… and if you act now we’ll throw in a one year supply of copper pipes, for you to cut through, and an extra undesirable man or woman of your choice… at no extra charge!!

Recap:
If you check one of those home-remedy books, they’ll tell you infomercials are the cure for boredom;
Sticking a wet fork in an outlet is THE way to go;
The guy who hosts infomercials is way too excited;
An infomercial dating service would probably work really well;
Easy payments are easier than regular payments… but they cost the same amount;
Tomatoes taste better if they have a little bit of a copper pipe flavor.

Tell your friends to turn it to channel 4 if they’re bored tonight.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 23rd, 2007 at 1:19 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.