C is for Cookie
I don’t think cookies are treated fairly. Why is it that someone can bust into a gingerbread house, eat an entire family of cookie-men, and get off without so much as a slap on the wrist? I’m sorry, but if you broke into someone’s home and ate their family, you’d probably go to prison for the rest of your life.
In this modern day and age, where we’re no longer allowed to poke fun at our differences, laugh at each others flaws, or, lovingly, beat our children with large wooden spoons; we’re somehow permitted to bake little homes, and fill them with little cookie families, who probably have really stressful lives (I mean, they do spend the majority of their lives in assembly lines, working in unbearably hot ovens, to mass produce tasty treats for some hot-shot yuppies who treat them like crap). Humans have unions who fight for the rights of the everyman; cookie-men don’t even have opposable thumbs, those poor bastards… how the hell are they supposed to fight for their rights when they can’t even brandish weapons or picket signs (that we don’t even make for them)?
I sympathize with the cookie. One time, I tried to get congress to pass a bill that banned the eating of women and children cookie-men… and they were all for it, except we couldn’t really distinguish one cookie-man from the next. Poor cookie bastards… not only do we eat them by the package-full, but we don’t even have the decency to make them anatomically correct. It must really suck to be an asexual cookie-man. I argued that women usually wear dresses, but congress said that they could just be cross-dressing cookie-men, disguising themselves to avoid being consumed… it was a valid point. We both agreed that there had to be some cookie midgets too… needless to say, the bill was not passed.
I think if we’re going to obliterate entire colonies of cookie-men, we should at least give them a fighting chance. I say we lace every few cookie-men with lethal poison, that way, even though they don’t have movable limbs or brains, they can take a few of us down with them. Let’s face it, there’s really no way they could ever win this war, but at least they’d go down with some dignity. How do you think Henry feels when he watches some little punk kid tear the roof off his home and devour his entire family? It may not be much, but I’m sure he’d draw, at least a little, satisfaction in knowing he took that rat bastard down to hell with him!
I think that, if it were possible, Fidel Castro would turn himself into a young cookie, put together a small army of guerrilla warriors, and fight the villainous dictatorship of man! Castro is a motivator; he’d convince all the little cookie-men, who were hard at work, on the lines in the oven, to stop baking one another and start baking miniature cookie rocket launchers and machine guns. Next thing you know, Castro, with his cookie-army, and Che Guevara cookie-replica (who was created like Frankenstein by cookie-Castro himself) will be sailing the seas of milk, and building bridges (out of those little chocolate-covered-cookie-finger thingies) that lead to your bedroom, where the cookie battalion will kill you in your sleep, have their way with your wife, and fly a, surprisingly well-sewn, Cuban flag on your front lawn. Who knew those asexual cookie-women were so good with a sewing machine?
I think you had it coming. Vive le cookie!
Recap:
Even in this politically correct era, cookies are not treated fairly;
Eating your neighbors will probably get you into a lot of trouble;
Cookies are pretty much modern day slaves;
You wouldn’t like working in a 375 degree oven for very long;
Unions keep picket-sign manufacturing plants in business;
Asexuality is no fun for anyone;
About a year from now, a movie will be made about a freedom-fighting cookie version of Fidel Castro… that movie will be called Rambo 5, and it’ll be the highest grossing film in history.
Tell your cookie-eating friends they’re no better than Brooke Shields (that was probably a bit of a cheap shot… but I’m not going to apologize).
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