Cars are Stupid People
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I get in my car, turn on the theme music to Knight Rider, and pretend I’m driving KITT around the city, solving crimes and kicking ass.
Solving crimes, with the help of a smart automobile, is one of the coolest things anyone could ever do… ever! I’m not going lie… the actual KITT, from Knight Rider, was smarter than my car is. Sometimes, when I’m following clues, trying to solve a mystery, I ask KITT (not the original KITT from Knight Rider, but the imitation KITT that I’m driving around) if he knows where the bad guy hid the biochemical weapons… and I don’t get a response; that’s pretty much where the trail of clues runs dry and I end up going home and watching Knight Rider on TV… turns out the biochemical weapons were being stored in some warehouse in Texas… I don’t know why KITT Jr (that’s what I call my car) didn’t just tell me that.
I’m starting to think KITT Jr is kinda shy. He never really wants to help me catch bad guys, and when we’re just casually driving around, talking about random stuff, I usually have to carry out both ends of the conversation. One time, I tried to get KITT Jr inebriated by funneling him full of whiskey and PCP, in hopes that he would open up and tell me some of his darkest secrets… but the jackass didn’t say a word… he just sorta passed out and I had to take him to get his fuel-tank pumped. I was kinda pissed… that little punk didn’t even thank me… nothing… no “hey dude, thanks for shelling out a bunch of cash to save my life” or “hey, thanks for the free booze…” nothing. That was sort of a dick move on his part… maybe he’s not shy… maybe he’s just an asshole.
The more I think about it, the more I think KITT Jr might not be the sharpest prong on the fork. One time I was chasing this suspected felon (this really old dude, who just pulled out of a Shopper’s Drug Mart with a bag of prescription drugs… that I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a prescription for) down the street, and I pulled up next to him (I had to drive on the wrong side of the yellow line) and I needed to get out of my car so that I could jump on the dudes hood, break his window with my fist, and proceed to pummel him until he pulled over to the side of the road (which I could do because he was really old, and I’m a lot like the Incredible Hulk… minus the green thing)… anyway I told KITT Jr to just drive straight and not hit anything… and that little fucker veered off the road and crashed right into a tree! I specifically ask him to go straight and avoid objects, and the bastard turns left and drives into a large, grounded, solid piece of wood. I busted my hip up pretty good in the accident, KITT Jr got really fucked up, and worse still, the old guy got away with the drugs. Later on, when I got home and watched Knight Rider, I was hoping David Hasselhoff and KITT would help fix KITT Jr’s blunder, and tell me where the old guy went… but nope… they tracked down some psychotic doctor in Las Vegas instead.
I had to empty out my bank account to save KITT Jr’s life (again), and once more, that anti-social jerkoff couldn’t give me a thank you… or an “I’m sorry for driving into a tree, nearly killing you, and then taking all of your money… money you needed to put toward paying for the replacement plastic hip… that you will require if you are to ever walk again.” Sometimes I hate that guy.
Moral of the story, KITT was like the Stephen Hawking of automobiles… so unless you’re driving him, it’s best not to let your car make any serious decisions for you.
Recap:
KITT from Knight Rider kicked ass;
Solving crimes, with your crime-solving automobile, also kicks ass;
My car can be a real asshole sometimes;
Plastic hips cost a lot of money;
Unless you drive KITT from Knight Rider, your car probably has the IQ of a shoelace.
Tell your friends… to tell their cars to stay in school.
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