What’s with the paparazzi craze these days? Like are there actually people out there who care to see candid photos of mildly recognizable celebrities pumping gas and eating hamburgers? I don’t understand who pays these people to live. Seriously, who’s the guy with enough money to say “Hey, you know that 19 year old chick who plays Sally on that show on the WB (another enigma… why does Warner Bros waste money on that network?) … well I’ll give you twenty-thousand dollars if you get me a picture of her driving a car.” How has that guy not run out of money? I just don’t understand it.

When I attain celebrity status, which I’m assuming will happen over the course of the next few days, I’m going to outsmart the stupid people who want to take photos of me. I’m going to get a pair of those novelty-dollar-store glasses that have no lenses but come equipped with a big plastic nose and moustache, and I’m going to wear said glasses everywhere I go. Problem solved.

Here’s something I don’t get… if you’re a guy who, normally, wears glasses and has a moustache, does the dollar store moustache-glasses-disguise cease to be a disguise? I’d imagine you’d look a lot like you do regularly… sure the frames on your glasses might be a little different, and maybe you grew your moustache out a tad, but for the most part, not a whole lot is changing… it’d be like getting a haircut.

Now that I think about it, the moustache-glasses thing is actually a pretty horrible disguise. If I saw someone walking down the street wearing that shit, I think I’d get a little suspicious. I may even yell out “Hey, that guy with the fake moustache and cheap glasses is wearing a disguise!” At that point, a hoard of people may flood the street and hunt down the man with moustache-glasses, but I’d imagine nothing is more likely to happen.

I want to know who thought up this costume. I have a feeling it was the same guy who shells out twenty-grand to get photos of teenagers wearing sunglasses on a sunny day… it sounds like something he would come up with. I can picture this guy sitting around thinking “I need a disguise… something subtle enough to be considered every-day apparel, but concealing enough to masquerade my true identity… … EUREEKA! I’ll get a very flimsy pair of black frames for my glasses; no need to fill the frames with a prescription… or even a non-prescription, transparent piece of plastic; the frames, alone, are more than suitable. Then I’ll attach, to these frames, a shiny chunk of silky, black hair, by way of a giant piece of bright, peach-colored plastic, shaped just enough to resemble a human nose. No one will ever recognize me again!!”

I think a more effective disguise would be a washed-up celebrity-mask. How much attention would you get walking down the street as Tori Spelling, or Mickey Rooney? None… that’s how much! It amuses me to think that a man wearing a cheap dollar-store disguise can garner more media attention than a television star, who made it in the industry solely because her father ran a network (I think he ran a network… he was in charge of something) and an Oscar nominated actor… but hey, that’s just the way it goes.

I’ve come to the conclusion that disguises do the exact opposite of what they’re actually intended to do.

Recap:
I don’t like the word paparazzi… we should change it to amateur photographer;
Wearing glasses and growing a moustache is the same thing as getting a haircut;
Cheap disguises are a sure-fire way to get attention from people;
Attention from anyone is more attention than Tori Spelling and/or Mickey Rooney have gotten in the last ten years.

Tell your friends you’re Burt Reynolds.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 17th, 2008 at 1:58 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.