This Christmas I’d like to receive the gift that keeps on giving. How great would it be to get a gift that just kept on giving? … over and over and over… like that stupid Energizer bunny, but not stupid because it’s a cool gift instead of a pink bunny, that keeps beating a drum until you take a hammer and smack him around a few times. It’s like finding that magic lamp from Aladdin, having a genie pop out, and wishing for an infinite number of wishes… except this would be the real deal!

I wish genies were real… I would totally get one. I think it would be pretty weird if the gift that kept on giving actually were a genie… that would be like a two-for-one deal… or one of those ‘buy one Big Mac, and get a second Big Mac free’ coupons (that nobody really uses, cuz it doesn’t apply to combos and people like fries… and most humans don’t eat two Big Mac’s in one sitting). I almost want to say it could even be like one of those old Doublemint gum commercials… but I don’t think anything will ever be like those old Doublemint gum commercials… so I’m not going to say that.

Anyway, if I had a genie, I would name him Arf, and I’d make him look like a dog… that would be my first wish… and it would be cool; I’d have a talking, wish-granting dog. People would visit me and start petting my dog… and he’d be like “Hey man, I don’t come to your house and rub you do I? How ‘bout you keep your hands to yourself there chief?” and people would be like… “Shit… you’re English is much better than my dog’s… you don’t even have an accent.” I wouldn’t tell people that Arf wasn’t actually a dog though… cuz then they’d be less impressed by his lack of an accent.

I’m pretty sure I’d gain a ton of weight if I had my own genie… even though I don’t really gain weight… I could see it happening in this case, cuz I could just be like “Arf, I want a hamburger” and there would be a hamburger right there, waiting to be consumed… it would be splendid. I think I’d ask for conveyer-belt shoes too… like shoes with little conveyer-belts on the bottom, so I could just stand in one place and move forward… like on those strips at the airport, but better, cuz I wouldn’t have to go to the airport, for absolutely no reason, anymore… airport parking can get crazy expensive, and sometimes I think it’s just not worth the cost, to ride the little conveyer-belt-floor for a few hours… you know what I mean? I wouldn’t let things get out of hand though, if I ever hit 500+ pounds, I’d wish for liposuction… and then some kind of surgery that would take care of all the excess skin… and a speedy recovery to round it all out. Nobody wants to sit in a hospital for a long time… specially if they have a genie dog, at home, waiting to play with them.

Arf and I would be great pals! I’d even consider wishing for a female companion for Arf… but then I’d say “Wait… I’m pretty sure genies are asexual, so that would be pretty pointless… probably bad at that; I mean why subject Arf to women-related drama for absolutely no reason?” Arf would agree with me… cuz that’s what genies do… exactly what you tell them!

Recap:
A genie is the real gift that keeps on giving;
I’m going to name my pet genie Arf, and he’s going to be a dog;
Most dogs struggle with the English language;
If you had a pair of conveyer-belt shoes, you’d save a lot of money on airport parking;
Genies do not need female companions… cuz they’re asexual.

Tell your friends to give me the gift that keeps on giving for Christmas.

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