When I was a little kid, I watched Jaws, and it scared the shit out of me. I think Jaws freaked a lot of people out, but children are particularly stupid… and they get ridiculous ideas in their heads… and I was, clearly, no exception. After I saw that movie, I was petrified of water… but not just the ocean, I’m talking all bodies of water; lakes, rivers, pools, toilets, glasses of water… you name it, I wanted nothing to do with it. I’m not exactly sure how I figured a shark was going to lunge out of my beverage and eat me, but I knew, damn well, that it could… and probably would happen… so I was vigilant.

After about… 15 years or so, I think I grew out of my phobia; and now I’m pretty comfortable with a bottle of water in my hand… every now and then, if I’m not drinking, I make sure the lid is on tight… just incase, but I’m pretty sure everyone does that. So I’m still terrified of sharks, but I’m working on fixing that problem.

After speaking to my therapist (his name is Dr. Phil… I saw him on TV one time, and the advice he was giving was pretty useless to me… so I just put my TV on mute and imagined we were conversing about my life) he told me that if you can’t beat them… join them. At first I wasn’t exactly sure how this applied to me… but later, I was doing this children’s jigsaw puzzle… and I when I finished putting it together, I thought “Hey… wasn’t I afraid of sharks when I was a kid?” Then I tried to figure out what doing a jigsaw puzzle had to do with the advice Dr. Phil had given me… or with sharks, for that matter… I concluded there was absolutely no connection whatsoever.

Anyway, I’ve decided that the only way to conquer my fear of sharks is to become a shark… so that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve been saying this for a while… hell, not that long ago, I took my first stab at becoming a shark… but it turned into this whole fiasco where I almost drowned, and ended up getting a mean case of the bends… so I swore that I’d never try to become a shark again… but I’ve come up with a plan that’s just too good to pass up on.

I’m going to turn my car into a shark mobile! Here’s what I need to do:

Step 1: Paint my car silver (it’s already silver… so I’m well on my way).
Step 2: Paint a shark’s face on the front of my car.
Step 3: Get a big piece of wood, cut out a few fin shapes, and bolt them to my car.
Step 4: Get a loud speaker and the theme music from Jaws.
Step 5: Drive around really slowly… and any time there’s a pedestrian near my vehicle, fire up the Jaws theme.

Once my car has successfully been converted into the ocean’s deadliest predator, I’m going to scour the streets for prey. If you’re walking around, and you can faintly hear the theme music from Jaws… and then the music starts getting louder and more intense… it probably means you’re about to get struck by a shark-like vehicle. There is a possibility that I may throw a surfboard, or raft of some variety, in your direction, before I plow through you… just for added effect.

Sharks, totally, aren’t afraid of Sharks… but you sure as hell will be!

Recap:
Children, who watch Jaws, grow up thinking sharks live in pools;
Dr. Phil can give really good advice, if you ignore him and make up your own advice;
Jigsaw puzzles have nothing to do with sharks;
If you try to turn yourself into a great white, you’ll probably get the bends;
Shark cars are to land, what regular sharks are to the ocean… and bottles of water.

Tell your friends that you don’t hear the Jaws theme song… then push them toward the road, and dive out of the way.

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