I’m thinking of becoming a professional thief for living. Thieving seems like an easy way to get things without paying for them… the only real problem is that, if you get caught, there’s a good chance you may go to jail. I don’t really think going to jail is worth the risk though… so I’d play it safe and just steal from friends. I think friends would be a lot less likely to press charges against me… specially if they’re really good friends. I think, the better the friend, the more valuable the shit I will steal from them!

I’m going to have to start hanging out with friends who I don’t really like much, for a while… cuz I need practice stealing less valuable shit before I start going after the good stuff. If you and I are hanging out a lot in the near future, it’s probably because I don’t like you very much… but if I’m hanging out with you a while from now, you’re probably on my list of people I like!

I keep a list of people I like… that way I won’t forget who I like and who I dislike… it also helps me figure out who I can steal valuable stuff from.

Wouldn’t it be cool to come to my house one day and be like “What the fuck?! Where did you get a portrait of me, from when I was a kid?!” and I’ll be like… “Ummm… army surplus store.” And you’ll be like… “Really?” and I’ll be like “…Yes?” and then you’ll just think it’s really weird and coincidental that I happen to have the portrait.

I’m going to have a collection of cool personal items from your home… like your bathroom door. One day you’ll be sitting in my living room wondering why there’s a door in the middle of the room… and why it looks oddly familiar… and why you don’t have a door attached to your bathroom anymore. You won’t put 2 and 2 together though… cuz I’m a really good thief… and really good thieves don’t get caught by regular folk like you! Sometimes they get caught by detectives… but you aren’t a detective… and if you are, then I’m not going to try steal your door.

At some point, you’re going to make an entry in your diary, about how you find it odd that random things are missing from your home… and I seem to have an excess of random things, from your home, in my living room… then you’re going to put your diary back on the coffee table, next to your bathroom door… and while you’re doing that, I’m totally going to take your pen!

I’m going to be so good at taking things from your house, that I’ll be able to do it without leaving my house! This will work particularly well when I make my home out of your house without you realizing it.

Why don’t more robbers steal houses? It’s a lot tougher to get arrested for stealing things if you’re taking them out of your home… in fact, I’m pretty sure if the item is yours, you aren’t stealing it.

Recap:
I’m going to be just like that Robin Hood fellow… except instead of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, I’ll be stealing from you and giving to me;
Lists help you organize your thoughts;
Army surplus stores stock a lot of your personal items;
You aren’t a detective;
If you’re one of my best friends, you may soon be homeless.

Tell your friends to be really good friends of mine.

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