If I were a boxer, I wouldn’t want to fight a cactus. I’d probably win the fight, cuz all I’d have to do is knock the cactus over, and it wouldn’t be able to get up… unless it were some sort of cactus-man, who could move… then he may get up, and kick my ass, cuz every time he hit me, he’d stick me with those fucking prickles… and at some point I’d just buckle and run away.

If there is a cactus-man out there, roaming the desert, how do you suppose he’d get into boxing? If I were part cactus, part man, I don’t think boxing would be my first choice of professions… but then I’d probably have an under-developed brain, cuz cacti don’t actually have brains, and they can’t think… so maybe boxing would be my first choice of profession; especially if I had a cactus-dad who always wanted to be a boxer, but could never cut it, cuz he just wasn’t agile enough… so my whole life, papa was trying to live vicariously through me… and was vigorously training me, to turn me into the Mike Tyson of cactus-boxers. I bet I’d beat Mike Tyson in a fight… cuz I wouldn’t have ears… so I couldn’t hear what Mike Tyson was saying. Oh to be half cactus, half man.

Cacti are all prickly, and they injure you when you touch them… I bet they’ll never understand love, cuz a cactus can never get close to anyone without hurting them. It sort of explains why a cactus man would get into boxing… he’d do the only thing he really knows how to do: hurt people. One day though, I bet boxing-cactus man will get all depressed, cuz he has no friends, and all he does is hurt people… so he’ll go on one of those self-discovery walks (the kind they have in movies, where the main character has some really heavy shit to sort through, and the only way to do it is to go on a two-day-walk-montage, until he has an epiphany and returns home to wrap the film up in a neat little package) and at some point, he’ll come to the conclusion that sand gets really hot… (what do you want from a fucking cactus? It’s not like he has a brain… you should be happy he managed to think anything at all).

After cactus man comes back from his walk though, I’ll point him in the right direction and get him to become a masseur. I think a cactus would be excellent at acupuncture… and he’d probably find it really rewarding, cuz he’d be helping people. I’m sure he’d still get bummed every now and then, when he kills a patient who tries to hug him after the best acupuncture session in history… but it’s nothing a little booze can’t fix.

If I adopted a cactus man, I’d contact Johnny Depp and ask him what Edward Scissorhands would’ve done, had he been a cactus. I bet Johnny Depp would genuinely think about it, before replying “I really don’t know.” At that point, I think I’d take my cactus friend out for an ice cream cone. He’d appreciate that… even though he can’t eat ice cream, cuz he has no face… but it’s the sentiment that counts, and if there’s anything a cactus-man-hybrid can understand, it’s sentiment.

You know what would be really cool about being a cactus man? If you shaved your face, you’d have a reverse beard… it would be tough to do though… cuz technically you wouldn’t have a face to shave… and you’d be slicing through needles instead of hair… I wonder if you’d need a special kind of razor, like one that was manufactured by the Ginsu 2000 people, so that the blade doesn’t go dull immediately… seems like a lot of trouble… I don’t think I’d bother shaving if I were a cactus.

I think the moral of this non-story story, is: you should be nice to cacti… they’ve probably been through a lot.

Recap:
You could beat a cactus in a fight;
A cactus man could beat you in a fight;
Cacti don’t have brains, but still make for excellent acupuncturists;
Johnny Depp doesn’t know what it feels like to be a cactus;
You can’t eat ice cream if you don’t have a face.

Tell your friends you’d like them more if one of their parents were a cactus.

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