A very strange thing happened to me today. The day started off in pretty typical fashion… a small earthquake woke my ass up at around 8:30am… I went back to sleep until around noon, got out of bed (still partially intoxicated from the night before), I brewed up some coffee, opened the front door of my house, checked the temperature, grabbed some mail from the tin rectangle, where the mail guy consistently delivers other peoples mail, sifted through the envelopes… and it happened.

For the first time in recent memory, I found a letter addressed to me. It was sort of strange, cuz no one sends me mail… except for some guy named Visa (who names his kid Visa? Probably some actor who didn’t think Apple, Camera, Puma, Denim, Sailor, Kal-el, Chastidy, Coco, Banjo, Free, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Justice, Freedom, Rocket, Racer, Audio Science, Moon Unit or Deva Muffin was an appealing enough choice for a name… the sad thing is I looked that shit up… some poor bastards actually have those as names… they’re all poor bastards except for Moon Unit… that’s the coolest name ever!), that son of a bitch loves keeping in touch with me. If it wasn’t weird enough that I got mail, the return address on the envelope was actually my address.

At this point, I did what any normal human being would do… I got a confused, constipated, sort of look on my face, and I stared into a mirror for 3 – 8 minutes, to make sure it was a convincing enough confused look… I put the letter down… poured my cup of coffee… went for a bear-footed jog, along the snowy streets of Stoney Creek… bought a helium balloon from a balloon vendor, who happened to be sitting outside the liquor store… hitchhiked to the hospital where I was born… tied the balloon to a squirrel, who was farming for nuts outside the hospital… took the squirrel into the hospital and gave him to the first little kid I could find (cept I couldn’t find a little kid… so I gave the squirrel to some old woman, who thought I was her grandson Jeffery)… called a cab… waited about ten minutes… got a ride home… heated up my cup of coffee in the microwave… drank it… sifted through the mail again… found a letter addressed to me… and opened the letter.

This is where I was struck by the craziest feeling of deja-vu I’ve ever had. I started reading through the letter and the first thought that came to mind was… “This looks a hell of a lot like my handwriting.” As I continued reading I got these weird chills down my spine, but realized I left the fridge door open and I was leaning against a can of Coke. After closing the fridge, I got back to reading the letter, and again, I got these chills going down my spine… this time it wasn’t the fridge, it was the note. It was as if I remembered writing it… in the past (dun dun dun!!!). I don’t actually think I really remembered writing it though… but there was this paragraph that was, pretty much, saying I wrote the note… and I should remember, or at least pretend to remember doing so… so that’s what I did.

The letter went on to detail how I’ve transcended time, outsmarted Einstein, Michael J. Fox, the curly haired guy from Wings and everybody else… it was pretty awesome! The coolest thing is, attached to the bottom of the letter were the winning lottery numbers for the December 7th 1998 Powerball draw, and a record of all the Super Bowl winners up to 2007!! Past me is a brilliant son of a bitch!

All I have to do now is buy the winning ticket for the December 7th ’98 Powerball draw, and bet on all of the Super Bowls, that have taken place thus far, and I’ll be a billionaire! Then I’ll take my winnings to the casino and put them all on red, at the roulette table… and I’ll have a forty-some-odd-percent chance of being more of a billionaire!! Then I’ll probably never speak to any of you again… cuz I’ll have to find high-class rich friends that I have stuff in common with… like money.

Recap:
I got a letter from myself in the mail;
Einstein and Michael J. Fox still have nothing on me;
The flux capacitor isn’t the only thing that makes time travel possible;
I’m going to win a few billion dollars in the lottery and gambling on football games;
I’m going to either double that few billion dollars… or lose it all at the roulette table;
The prospect of doubling a few billion dollars is worth the risk of losing a few billion dollars;
We probably can’t be friends anymore, cuz you’re poor and I’m on my way to high society.

Tell your friends to name their kids Moon Unit.

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