So it’s looking like I’m getting married, some time next week, to this girl I know. We haven’t officially picked a date yet… cuz neither of us is much of a planner… actually I shouldn’t say that… I’m not much of a planner, and she’s too busy plotting my death to worry about the wedding details… so I’m in charge of the wedding.

I’m thinking this will be a pretty rad-ass wedding though! We’re going to be arriving at the church in a limousine that transforms into an ordain minister… I think he’s actually Optimus Prime’s second cousin… and if that’s not cool enough, he’s also a part time auctioneer… so the service won’t be all long winded and shit!

My mom is going to custom tailor me a brown suit, which will go nicely with my bitching, multi-colored tie (which happens to be covered in beer)… she’s also likely to build a statue in honor of the woman who agreed to marry me, do a lot of crying and thanking God, and all sorts of other crazy shit like that… cuz she’s going to be so stoked that I’m getting married. If ever I could exploit my mother for anything… a wedding is the time to do it!

Anyway, after the service, my wife and I are going to ride a unicorn-led carriage to this lovely little garden in the clouds… it’s an excellent location for wedding photos… the photographer, who’s just some bum off the street, holding a camera (do you have any idea how much it costs to hire a transforming limousine minister, and a carriage pulled by unicorns that will take you to a garden in the clouds, on such short notice?!) highly recommended the location. He said something about his friend Jasper stumbling upon this whimsical garden one night, after he had polished off a barrelful of whisky. I think she’ll find the location really romantic!

After we’ve taken photos (which I won’t actually be in, cuz I photograph poorly… so we’re hiring some random guy to fill in for me), a huge-ass bash is going to be taking place. I’m pretty sure my mom is going to make the weather all summery, and she’s going to close all the roads in southern Ontario, for a parade that she’s organizing (she really wants this wedding to happen). It’s basically going to be Mardi Gras, but with more people, and my wife and I are going to be the center of attention. This wedding will probably be considered the greatest night in the history of the world.

So yeah, after the wedding is over, my wife and I are going to pack a few bags, and hitch a ride down to Kentucky, for our honeymoon. Initially, the plan was to do the whole romantic Hawaiian getaway, but the wedding will leave me in rough shape financially… if my estimates are correct, I’m going to be in the hole by a couple hundred billion dollars… so I won’t have money for gas. Hopefully some nice people, with air-conditioning, pick us up… and don’t slaughter us, and leave us in garbage bags at the side of the road.

While in Kentucky, the wife is going to sell me on the idea that I need life-insurance… the kind where she’d get crazy sums of money if I die an accidental death. I won’t think anything of it, and I’ll get the life insurance… and at some point on our honeymoon, she’s probably going to kill me in my sleep. The joke will be on her though, cuz I’m going to leave her billions of dollars in debt.

She’ll always have the wedding though… oh what a wedding it will be.

Recap:
Some girl wants to marry me;
Optimus Prime’s second cousin is a limousine/ordain minister who runs auctions on the side;
Unicorn-helmed chariots actually cost more than you’d imagine;
Bums know all the photo-taking hot spots;
My mother has the power to control weather and organize Continent-wide parades, when I’m getting married;
Kentucky is the second best place to honeymoon;
I think that girl, who wanted to marry me, wants me dead.

Tell your friends not to give me a blender as a wedding gift.

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