I Am Lettuce
Everyone seems to be on a health-trip these days. What ever happened to getting drunk and eating Taco Bell at 3am? I guess people still do that, on occasion, but then they bitch about it for the next month and a half, while drinking carrot juice and hitting the gym on a daily basis.
Well, I for one am not embracing this new trend. You know how many times I’ve gone to a gym (outside of grade school gym class, which doesn’t count)? Zero. That’s right; I’ve never been to a gym in my life… I don’t even think I’ve accidentally walked through a gym before. I have no interest in being shaped like a cinderblock wall; I know nothing about steroids or creatine (I even had to look creatine up, in the dictionary, to see if I was spelling it right… I was, I’m a decent speller); I don’t care if chicks dig muscles, and I don’t think I’ll be interested in lifting any small vehicles, over my head, when I’m 64. So listen Bruno, you can take your muscle-building manliness and shove it up your finely toned ass! You aren’t getting my money.
Using my refined powers of observation, I’ve recently concluded that women are interested in men with “washboard abs.” Well ladies; I’m not only one-upping those able-bodied hosers, I’m twelve-upping them! I’m going to have “cheese-grater abs.” That’s right, you’ll be able to grate cheese on my stomach; and I won’t have to work out a day in my life to make it happen either. I’m just going to wrap some duct tape around my waist, and stick a cheese-grater (or if you, like me, idolize the great Mitch Hedberg, and would prefer to call it by its negative name, a sponge-ruiner) on there. Who uses washboards these days anyway? What is this 1912? Do we not have access to washing machines? At least the cheese-grater still has a practical application in the world… my stomach will be really useful in the pizza-making process.
I think the cheese-grater is under-utilized, to be quite honest. Like, why does it have to be used on cheese? I’d assume you could use it to grate all sorts of things, but if that were true, then wouldn’t we just call it a grater? Throwing cheese in the name suggests that its sole purpose is to be a tool with which we grate cheese… that’s it. I think we should take the cheese grater design, and make a bullet-proof vest out of it. That would be cool and exciting! Real manly men enjoy a little bit of excitement in their lives. If you’re a manly dude, who joins the police force, there’s a good chance you did it because you enjoy the thrill of risking your life, chasing down bad guys. Well why not up the anti a little? If you had a bullet-proof vest, with a cheese grater design, you never know when a bullet, to the body, might make it’s way through your Kevlar-padded safety device… and if a bullet doesn’t pierce its way through one of your vital organs, you can always run down a bad guy and then rub yourself up and down his body… that’ll teach him to mess with you! Better still, you could call yourself “the Teacher” and when you finish with the criminal, you could look at him and say “Report cards are in… your grade… F.” You’d be like a real-life Arnold Schwarzenegger movie… except less gay. Awesome!!
I think I’m going to be a man’s man from now on and start hitting the gym, and I’ll join the police force and wear a cheese-grater bullet-proof vest… actually wait… that goes against everything I stand for… I think… so no, I won’t do that.
Recap:
People are too healthy these days;
Only sissy’s work out at gyms all the time;
Real men tape cheese-graters, or possibly hot plates to their stomach’s to impress women;
Mitch Hedberg was a great man;
Washing machines are better than your muscular stomach;
Manly police men ask to have cheese-grater-brand protective gear;
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California.
Tell your gym-frequenting, body-building, tough-guy boyfriends to come punch me in the stomach if they have a problem with my statements… also tell them to bring a box of band-aids.
No Comments