I Have Something to Say
So… I’ve yet to post some sort of non-sense-ical rant on here, and really, that’s not right; so I’m going to get the figurative monkey off my back (obviously, if there were really a monkey on my back, I wouldn’t want to get rid of him, because he would make me magnetic to women… but not the reverse sort of magnetic… unless he were some gross old monkey… I don’t think I’d want a gross old monkey on my back)
Anyway, I suppose I need a topic…
I could write about how I think there are entirely too few movies featuring bad-ass wizards with long white beards and pointy hats. Like, why do those poor bastards always get type-cast into medieval-themed movies about dragons and midgets wandering around imaginary lands? Wouldn’t it be cool to see a really bitching wizard in a romantic comedy about a woman in her mid 30′s, who has just split with her cheating husband, and is looking for love all over again… but she’s so out of touch with the modern dating scene that her first few dates go disastrously… but then she goes to dinner with some wizard who makes her feel alive again… that would be rad.
What would really make this film awesome is the fact that it could go in so many directions; maybe it turns into a story of revenge, where the chick realizes her new boyfriend can wield all sorts of whimsical magic’s, and she gets him to turn her ex-husband into a pastry strudel. Or maybe the wizard was hired, by the ex-husband, because his knowledge of the dark arts makes him an absolute dynamo in the sack; and that would keep the woman occupied while Jesse (that’s the husband’s name) files for sole custody of the couple’s children. Or maybe the wizard is really just some crazy old hobo who wanted a free meal and some liquor in his system. Who knows?
What I can say for certain is that wizards, world wide, need to form some sort of union and get themselves more roles in movies and on television shows… there’s just too much awesomeness going to waste.
Furthermore, how the hell are all these casting directors getting jobs? If I were a casting director, I’d mix things up a bit, take some boring-ass roles and make them minty-fresh.
Like a film about some nerd who gets bitten by a genetically altered spider, and then he can shoot webs from his arms… yeah, why not cast Emmanuel Lewis in the role of Spiderman? He can be pinned against the dreaded Green Goblin, played by Gary Coleman. Seriously, that movie would’ve been so much better if all the characters were midgets… miniature men, battling epic battles while dangling from webbed-ropes and flying around on hovering boogie boards = 12 Oscar nominations… and 12 wins!
Then there’s a movie about the American’s struggles at Pearl Harbor… who gets the lead? Ben Afleck? Fuck that! I’d cast the Jolly Green Giant and make him kick some ass before getting brought down, Gulliver’s Travels style, by an army of little Japanese guys. And at the end of the film, the Americans honor their defeated hero by printing his face on every can of corn they produce. It’s action-packed, touching, and informative.
How ‘bout a TV show about 6 friends who spend their days festering in some New York coffee shop? Jennifer Aniston? Some homely dude whose name I don’t know? Nope. I hire the Golden Girls, Chewbacca and Borat. There’s a show worth watching. It’s got it all… hot chicks reminiscing about their wild and crazy days, whoring it up, in the early 1930’s, a 7 ft sasquatch screaming his ass off and starting fights with people when they sit in his seat, and an awkward foreigner who tackles some important issues while offering a little comic relief. I see a show actually worth watching.
I should’ve been a casting director…
Recap:
The Golden Girls + Chewbacca + Borat = high quality television;
The Jolly Green Giant would kick Ben Affleck’s stupid ass;
Midgets make movies better;
Wizards are super cool, and under-utilized.
Tell your friends.
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