The other day I was going through some of my old email, and I stumbled upon a series of messages that I’d received/written a few years prior. Back when I was working at 80/20, I went through this stretch where I was getting a lot of scam email. Naturally, me being me, I felt compelled to reply to these messages. Some of my replies were nothing more than me trying to help these lowly scammers out (it’s tough to take people seriously when they can’t string together a basic sentence), while other replies were me, being the jackass that I am, entertaining myself.

That said… here’s part one of my Scammer Email Response Series:

*** Scam Email ************
Dear Beloved,

Here writes Madam Rita Osborne wife of late Sir Williams Osborne, suffering from cancerous ailment without a child. My late husband deposited the sum of 10 million derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Recently, my doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.

With this hard reality that has befallen my family, and me I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to help me use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, orphans, and needy financially.

I have decided to donate this fund to you, I do hope you would be able to utilize this money for the said purpose just as I’m going to instruct herein. I want you to utilize the funds by creating a charity foundation called ‘WILLIAM OSBORNE FOUNDATION’ to assist widows and help accident victims worldwide. This deposit is known by me, our family lawyer and now you.

Contact our family lawyer with this specified email address.

Barrister Timothy Martins (ESQ) Email: office_timartins@yahoo.de

Tell him that I have WILLED £10,000,000 to you by quoting my personal reference number Law/chamber/solicitors/rt/osb/WILL/9834520012 and I have also notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a specific and good work.

Remain blessed.

Your Sister,
Madam. Rita Osborne

*** My Response ************
Blessed are ye, Madam Rita Osborne, betrothed of the late Sir William(s?) Osborne of Camelot. Suffering cancerous ailments is nary a sound practice without child.

I am honored to accept your 10 million derived, though, familiar with this currency, I am not.

This unyielding reality, you speak of, is truly that of callous nature; its rigidity, surely, a test of the noble Osborne family of Camelot… led by his Grace, Sir Ozzy. As a young man, Sir Ozzy braved the trials of fate, slaying mighty beasts to earn the title Great King of Camelot; and surely he will endure the tumultuous hour, at hand, to once again prove why he is the Great King of Camelot!

I trust your limited days will be spent at the kingdom, resting in thine chamber.

Prepare ye, fairest maiden, for the journey ahead.

I shall ready my steed and make haste for Camelot at dawn. Please do not expire until my arrival… you must be brave, so that all the widows of the William(s?) Osborne Foundation can, one day, suffer through cancerous ailments… with child! I will see to it that every widow, with limited days to live, will mother at least 3 small children in her final hour.

Rest now, my fairest maiden, Rita… I shall see you on the eve of your ascent to glory!

Recap:
Madam Rita was fortunate enough to have £10 million lying around;
Madam Rita was unfortunate enough to suffer cancerous ailments without a child;
I was fortunate enough to have £10 million donated to me;
I was unfortunate enough to never receive the aforementioned £10 million;
I like stupid email messages.

Tell your friends that they should donate money to the William(s?) Osborne Foundation.

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