Why can’t there be any honest, hardworking folk, managing motels and gas stations in the middle of nowhere?

I learn a lot from watching movies, and I find this a particularly valuable lesson:

If you’re ever on a long road trip, with a few friends, never, under any circumstance, get off the interstate!! Should you decide to take a “shortcut” down a long, windy road, it will end up being one of the last things you ever do.

In the middle of nowhere, gas station/motel managers are all psychopaths whose sole purpose in life is to erect a gas station/motel and kill anyone who stops at said gas station/motel for fuel, directions, rest, or whatever other reason. I’m not really sure what it is about secluded motel locations, but apparently they breed mass murderers.

Think about it… there’s a reason why the gas station/motel that you may be stopping at, is in the middle of nowhere… the manager killed everyone in the area! For some reason he spared a few dudes, and then gave them jobs (as mechanics) that pay nothing (because money is pretty useless without civilization). The clever son of a bitch even trained a couple raccoons to jump in front of traffic, a few miles down the road from his establishment, so that people fuck up their cars enough to feel the need to stop at a creepy gas station in the middle of nowhere… which happens to be open 24/7, so it may serve the one customer a year who drives by… and not even charge said customer for gas and a checkup.

How stupid are the people who fall for this shit? Don’t they watch movies? Don’t people say “hey, I’ve seen this motel before… some dumb-asses stopped here in a movie and all but one of them ended up dying a horribly painful and butchery death, at the hands of some creepy motel manager and trio of underpaid, seemingly friendly, mechanics… … I’m kinda tired… I think I’ll stop and rest at this motel.”

Sometimes I want to smack people for being so stupid, but I don’t do it, cuz I don’t take the windy short-cut road that leads to a motel, and or, gas station in Nowhereton… cuz I’m not stupid, and I watch movies, and I see what happens to stupid people who take windy roads that lead to gas stations and motels that exist solely to lure brainless folk to their deaths.

Sometimes I think I should open up a motel/gas station in the middle of nowhere, so that people can get fuel and rest without all the unnecessary bludgeoning and death… but then I think, if I open up a gas station/motel in the middle of nowhere, I’ll probably become some twisted, maniacal mass murderer… just like every other, once honest Joe, who wanted to help lost folk in the dessert, or heavily wooded area, or wherever. I don’t really want to become a crazed murderer, so I avoid opening motels… I suggest you follow my lead.

And don’t get me started on bed and breakfast owners… you know why they’re called bed and breakfasts? Cuz breakfast is the only meal you’ll be alive to eat! That’s why! Don’t be fooled by mom and pap… they may be in their late 60’s but they’re incredibly adept at throwing butcher knives, setting people aflame, and general axery.

We need to lock up the old folk now… before it’s too late!!

Recap:
Movies teach us invaluable lessons;
In the middle of nowhere, gas station/motel owners desperately want to kill you;
Raccoons are cunning sons o’ bitches;
People who take the long, windy roads are stupid… and they’ll be the end of you;
Don’t expect lunch at the bed and breakfast.

Tell your friends to stay on the interstate.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 at 8:22 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.