If I knew how to speak in math, I’d be the coolest guy ever. I could walk up to people and tell them to 7 my 9… and I’d actually mean it! Passers by would be like… “What the fuck does that mean?” and I’d reply with a “1 0 4 4 7 4 7,” and then they’d stare at me, blankly for a second, before turning and walking away.

Numbers are awesome because they’re words that you spell with one character. I think all words should be spelt with one character… think of how much faster we’d write things… and how much less paper we’d use… and how much more clever t-shirts would be (cuz we could write whole paragraphs on them and they’d still look cool… cuz really, how long is a paragraph when you’re dealing with individual characters?). If words were all spelled with one character, we wouldn’t have to use spaces; because everyone would know that each character is another word… it would be like telephone numbers, but cooler, because we wouldn’t have to dial anything.

Have you ever tried sending a text message to someone, on a regular phone? It’s ridiculous… it takes a good five and a half minutes to build one word. If all words were one character, it would only take a second to text a whole word… your phone would probably need a few million extra buttons, but I think it’d be well worth it!

I’m sure that right now, you’ve only got one thing on your mind… “Would I rather eat chicken or beef?” and I can’t help you make that decision… actually I can, but I’m not going to, because you’re the one who has to live with your decision, and I’d feel terrible if you overcooked a steak… or undercooked a chicken… you’d probably hate me for the rest of time.

Anyway, what I can do is tell… wait… what was I talking about? Right… chicken! Maybe one day, you’ll be eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup (the kind where the noodles are shaped like letters) and instead of reading individual letters of the alphabet, you’ll be reading whole words. That would be super… you could form sentences instead of words… productivity would shoot through the roof! I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve wasted, trying to form a sentence with my noodles… I’d never have that problem again. You could be like one of those people who makes a grill-cheese sandwich and sells it on eBay cuz it has the faint impression of Jesus, toasted into the bread… except instead of Jesus on toast, you’ll have a poem, by Emily Dickinson, lined up in your soup… I’m not sure how you’ll ship it to buyers though… you’ll probably have to do UPS ground shipping… so the letters don’t get all scrambled. I wouldn’t do the expedited service though… I don’t trust it.

¡¢£¤… £¬¥¦. §¨£,©ª«¬¬®¯°±´µ¶•¸º.»¿ ¬@*^~. See what I’m saying? And yes… I am that clever.

Do you ever find yourself doing something and think “sweet mother of invention… what the fuck am I doing?” I’m having one of those moments right now… I mean that blurb I just wrote… the one with the characters for words… grammatically awful… seriously, I’ve got a comma between a subject and a vowel; for that I’m truly sorry.

Recap:
What?!!?

Tell your friends to 8 a 13.

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