I’m Smart!
I’m going to carry around 2 wallets; this way, if some crazy dude, who’s down on his luck, ever tries to rob me at gunpoint, I’m going to give him the wallet that doesn’t have anything in it. It’s win-win! Crazy criminal man gets my wallet, and I keep my money, credit cards, ID, that picture of Howard Hampton, that I cut out of an add in the mail, and anything else that’s in my wallet… plus I don’t get shot… unless the dude takes my wallet, and then shoots me so I don’t tell anyone. The joke will be on him though; cuz there won’t be anything in the wallet.
I hope after the crazy guy steals my wallet, some other crazy dude doesn’t come and try to steal my wallet… that would suck, cuz I’d have to give him my real wallet, with all my things. Do you think muggers are open to the concept of bargaining? Like if I offer to give him half my cash, my credit card, and my ID, he’d let me keep the other half of the cash, and my picture of Howard Hampton? I hope so… I’d hate to lose that stuff.
I think I’m going to carry around three wallets, just in case I get robbed twice in a row. Hopefully I’ll remember which two wallets are the decoy wallets and which one is the real wallet. I think if someone were robbing me, I might buckle under the pressure and accidentally give him the real wallet… so I’ve devised a plan to remedy this situation.
I’m going to take everything that I currently have in my one wallet, and spread it out across the three wallets, that I’ll be carrying around. This way if I get robbed, I’ll probably only lose one third of my stuff.
Next time some guy tries to mug me, I’m just going to tell him that I got mugged ten minutes earlier, and the dude ran “that way.” Then I’ll tell him that if he gets my wallet back for me, I’ll give him one of the other two wallets I’m carrying, as his reward… then he’ll tell me to give him my wallets… but the joke will be on him, cuz I wouldn’t have actually gotten mugged ten minutes earlier, which means I’ll really have three wallets… which means I’ll get to keep one third of my stuff. These petty thieves can’t fool me!
Do you suppose muggers are clever enough to check your ID? If a mugger, mugs a mugger, the guy getting mugged, might just give the mugger the wallet he just stole from some other guy… but if the guy doing the mugging, checks the ID in the wallet, and sees that it’s not the guy getting mugged, he may realize that the guy is carrying an extra wallet around. I’m sure muggers have all of these tactics down though… cuz I’m just thinking them up off the top of my head, and I don’t even mug people. Professionals tend to know all the proverbial tricks of the trade.
If I ever mug someone, I’m going to make sure I get both of his wallets… cuz nobody is stupid enough to walk around carrying just one wallet these days… not with all the muggings going on. If I do mug someone though, things will be really complicated… cuz I’ll have five wallets, and that will be difficult to keep track of… but I’ve got a plan. If I mug a guy, I’ll be sure to find a woman and steal her purse (she’ll have to be older and frail though… women these days fight back, and they’re armed with purses… I think I’d throw a wallet at her and then drop kick her while she’s distracted)… that way I can put all my wallets in the purse, and I don’t have to worry about cluttering up my pockets!
Mugging people is a tricky business, but with the prospect of getting five wallets, from one guy, you’d be stupid not to do it!
Recap:
I’m going to carry two wallets in case I get mugged;
I’m going to carry three wallets in case I get mugged again;
If someone mugs me, I’m going to lie and tell him I just got mugged;
I wonder if you could stick you’re hand far enough into a bank machine to grab money;
I’m going to mug muggers… cuz they have lots of wallets;
Women fight back, so you have to drop kick them when they aren’t looking.
Tell your friends to give you all their money.
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