When I grow up I’m going to become entrepreneurial and start my own business (it’s just going to happen… like flipping a light switch… I’ll be able to grow facial hair, and I’ll develop an entrepreneurial spirit over night… you know, the same way it happens with everyone). People who start up businesses (or busini as I prefer to call them… cuz pluralizing things always works better when you use the ‘i’ instead of ‘es’) are well respected and they strike fear into the hearts of those, with whom, they come in contact… or something like that. Telling people that you’re a businessman is like wearing a hat, with a big neon sign on it that reads “threat” in capital letters; you’d have to have a really long extension chord for the sign to actually work, cuz it takes like 12 9V batteries, which no one, in good conscious, could use on one electronic device… not to mention you’d need a neck brace to keep your head in place.

I think my business is going to be manufacturing hats that have big neon signs on them… so every regular Joe can feel like a somebody. I’m pretty sure that these hats will be considered the greatest invention since the internet, and I’ll win some sort of Man of the Year award from numerous publications. The only problem is, my hats will sell a lot better than hotcakes, and within a year of production everyone on the planet (cept for maybe a couple homeless people) will own at least one, or probably two of them. So I’m going to need to be all entrepreneurial again and find something else to do.

I could open up a shop that repairs those hats with neon signs on them… after all, if I made the hats, there’s a very good chance they will work poorly, if at all… and if people are going to buy these hats, they’ll probably want them to work. This doesn’t seem to be the most likely line of business for me though, cuz I don’t really know how to fix things. It also seems as though it would be a lot of work to repair shoddy products… I think I’d rather get into the business of repairing airbags. There doesn’t seem to be any logic behind how airbags work, so no one would really be able to argue that I didn’t properly fix the airbag; this bodes quite well for me, as I wouldn’t have the slightest clue as to how one would actually fix an airbag.

In all probability, I’ll become an unplanned wedding planner. I don’t think there are a whole lot of unplanned wedding planners, so I’ll have a monopoly on the market. The cool thing about being an unplanned wedding planner is that expectations are probably really low, so it would be, damn near, impossible to disappoint anyone. I mean, can you really blame someone for poorly planning something that’s not planned?

Not planning weddings really seems like a great career choice for me, cuz I’m not particularly good at planning things, actually, I’d go so far as to say I’m terrible at planning things. So who better to not plan your wedding than someone who is an expert on the subject of not planning things? People like to have assurance from experts. If you’re going to hold a shotgun wedding, you probably want someone around to make sure there are bullets in the gun… or to make sure there aren’t bullets in the gun… I’m not really sure what you’d want to have happen in that scenario… but the point is you probably wouldn’t really want to spend your, precious, seconds looking into it… cuz if you wanted to waste all your time, you’d go out and plan your wedding like a sucker!

If this whole wedding planning thing works out, I may be available to do daily planning, for people who have no plans, as well.

Recap:
Businessmen are like well respected versions of poorly respected people;
Neon signs are the best way to let people know what’s going on;
Nobody likes to waste batteries;
I’m going to be Man of the Year one day;
Planning unplanned weddings is a good career choice for someone who knows little about weddings… or anything, for that matter.

Tell your friends you’d like to marry them by wearing a hat with a big neon sign on it.

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