I’m going to become a documentary filmmaker. The other day I was sitting around thinking… hmmm… I should make documentaries, and then an idea for one hit me square in the nuts.

My first documentary is going to be titled “In Search of Melmac” and it’s going to consist of me walking around with Denzel Washington looking for Melmac. Denzel Washington is my cameraman. He brings a nice bit of credibility to my small, independent film about two men searching the earth for planet Melmac. We’re going to leave no stone unturned either… not one. If it takes me four years to physically flip every bloody stone on the planet I’ll do it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “damn man, how the hell are you going to find Melmac… what if it’s buried at the bottom of an ocean or something” and to that I reply with a “hey, somebody’s got to know something.”

There’s going to be this stellar scene where we’re interviewing people, trying to get information out of them, and this dude starts running away from us… which obviously suggests he’s hiding something… so we chase him down, and Denzel Washington can run fast, so we catch the guy… and then Denzel Washington suggests we torture him a little, to get information out of him, but the dude’s a tough nut and doesn’t crack, so Denzel Washington offs the fucker. At that point, I’m going to be like… “Denzel Washington… what the hell are you doing?” And he’s going to be like “that dude had it coming!”

Then Denzel Washington is going to make me be his accomplice, by forcing me to get a rug to wrap the body in so that we could dump it in the river. But then, the police are going to get a hold of some of our movie footage, and they’re going to come after us. That’s when Denzel Washington turns it up a notch. Denzel Washington is going to build a time machine, and travel back in time, and leave the cops phony clues so they can’t find us in our time… but that’s going to mess with the very fabric that holds the universe together, and then the universe is going to suck itself into oblivion.

The only planet to survive the destruction will be Melmac… and Barry (that’s Melmac’s God) is going to give Denzel Washington and me whatever the Melmac equivalent to the Pulitzer prize is.

After that, my film is going to screen nation-wide (on Melmac, cuz the rest of the universe no longer exists) and I’m going to be pampered by tons of hot Melmacian chicks… and then Alf is going to get pissed off, cuz he used to be like Mickey Rooney… and now he’s like Mickey Rooney, but not Mickey Rooney the child star, he’s like Mickey Rooney the crazy old dude. So yeah, Alf is going to get pissed off and try to make a documentary of his own, titled “In Search of Earth” except Alf will team up with Tom Cruise, and the film will be a huge bust at the box office… and then Alf and Tom Cruise will get banished from Melmac… which is bad news, cuz it’s the only place in the universe… and then Tom Cruise will try kill Denzel Washington during an episode of Oprah… but it won’t work… cuz Tom Cruise won’t actually make it onto the set, on account of him being banished from Melmac… which likely means he’s just floating around in nothingness.

Yeah… it’s going to be a hell of a documentary!

Recap:
I’m making a documentary film titled “In Search of Melmac”
Denzel Washington has the power to build time machines;
I’m going to be a Melmacian Pulitzer Prize winner one day;
Tom Cruise is a jealous lame-ass… and he’s certifiably crazy;
When the universe destroys itself, Tom Cruise and Alf are screwed.

Tell your friends to be nice to Denzel Washington and me.

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