So the other day I saw this commercial for AM PM. My understanding is that AM PM is pretty much like 7 Eleven with a different name. I don’t think AM PM has made its way to Canada yet… though I can’t say I’m particularly disappointed. It’s not that I have anything against AM PM, I just don’t think I’ve ever been frustrated by Canada’s lack of convenience stores.

But to my point… I saw this AM PM commercial where they show customers browsing the store, purchasing slushies and junk food while a narrator says something like “You can never have too much good stuff.” I’m alright with that narration; I see where it’s going. The narrator is suggesting that you can’t ever have too much good stuff, and AM PM is the place to get your fix of the aforementioned good stuff. My problem with this ad stems from what happens seconds after the stuff I just mentioned. After you see the people buying their shit, and the narrator says his piece, they flash to a white screen with the AM PM logo and tag-line. And what’s AM PM’s tag-line? AM PM… Too much good stuff. Well what the fuck is that?! How can you go from saying “you can never have too much good stuff” to “we have too much good stuff?” If I can’t have too much good stuff, why can AM PM? What’s with the double standard these jackasses are tossing around? How am I supposed to believe, anything the AM PM people try to tell me? I mean, they’re obviously full of shit. Sons-o-bitches.

If I were in charge of coming up with a slogan for AM PM, I think I would make it “AM PM: What the fuck is 7 Eleven supposed to stand for anyway?” Really though, what does 7 Eleven stand for? If it’s suggesting they’re open from seven to eleven, then I’m not impressed… most convenience stores are open 24 hours… so why would you name yourself after a flaw? Like hey… we’re inferior to all the other convenience stores… let’s let everyone know by naming our company “Poorly Stocked, Overpriced, Never Open Convenience.” Brilliant plan! Actually now that I think of it I’d totally shop at Poorly Stocked, Over Priced, Never Open Convenience… there’s just something I admire about truth in advertising. When I open a convenience store, that’s totally what I’m going to call it.

I think it would be cool if we didn’t name our children until they reached puberty. This way we could take a page out of the book of convenience store marketing and name our children for their flaws. It would be like fun, relevant, honest human-marketing. Think about it… would you hire an accountant who handed you a business card with the name Sucksatmath printed on it? Or a lawyer named Droppedonhisheadthirteentimesbetweenbirthandfouryearsofage? I might… for the novelty of it all, but that’s what I do. The average man, who cares for his well-being, probably wouldn’t do business with a guy named Willfuckyouover. Where’s the fun in average though? If I were named at puberty, you’d call me… well nothing yet… we’ll find out in a few years I guess? I’m keeping my fingers crossed… I think next year is going to be the year… I can feel it!

One day I will grow a beard!

Recap:
AM PM is a faintly better convenience store name than 7 Eleven;
AM PM is also full of shit, cuz if you can’t have too much good stuff, neither can they;
I weighed 7lbs 11oz when I was born (fun fact);
We should name children for their flaws;
Beards are still manly.

Tell your friends that you’ve done the impossible and amassed too much good stuff.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 10th, 2008 at 3:10 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.