So holy shit… I’ve been writing this crap for a year. Technically, it’s been like a year and a day… cuz it’s a leap year… but I don’t care, I’m still calling it an even year and there’s little to nothing that you could do about it.

As it’s shortly after 1am, and I’m scrambling, to think up something to say, to commemorate the anniversary of my stupidity, I’ve decided to take a page out of the book of sitcoms (I think it comes right after the book of psalms in that bible thing… a bible thing that I’m hoping contains a book of psalms, for the sake of relevance). But yeah, if the book of sitcoms has taught me anything, it’s that you should put your anniversary episodes to good use by taking the day off and giving your viewers/listeners/readers a random collage of crap from past episodes. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do! So grab a glass of champagne, one of those cardboard happy new year hats, and go get drunk… cuz you may have already read everything that’s about to follow.

I have a tendency to address certain groups of people when I write…

Here are some things for the hungry…
“The Burger King is cooler than a regular crazy person, cuz he has a plastic face”
“My brother-in-law doesn’t like Nutella”
“The cereal makers union is a crooked bunch of mob-businessmen”
“Real men tape cheese-graters, or possibly hot plates to their stomach’s to impress women”
“Eating your neighbors will probably get you into a lot of trouble”
“Rice Krispies provide better camouflage than any other substance known to man”
“Geraldo, at the restaurant of life, is a shitty waiter”

Words for the tough guy…
“Leprechauns are animals and will kill you just for looking in their general direction”
“I’m going to have a really masculine lumberjack kid named Stewart”
“Wrestling snowmen never ends well for any parties involved”
“Toilets are like nunchucks… sort of… well they’re entirely different, but can be just as lethal”
“Estelle Getty shouldn’t carry people out of courtrooms because she’s old, frail, and will break a hip”
“The candlestick is too obvious a murder weapon for a real-life murder”
“Women fight back, so you have to drop kick them when they aren’t looking”
“A cactus man could beat you in a fight”
“Gigantic raspberries are like the new Freddy Kruger”
“Boxing is best left to Little Mac on the NES”
“Floral bandannas, tattoos that say “Mother” and leather vests make regular-asses significantly more homosexual”
“Washing machines are better than your muscular stomach”

Maybe you’re bored…
Ummm… just fill out that questionnaire thingy… I’m not finding quotes for this.

I reference pop culture… often…
“The Jolly Green Giant would kick Ben Affleck’s stupid ass”
“Chariots, Voltron, Steve Buscemi and Alf are essential for intergalactic travel to be possible”
“Fred Savage needs narration”
“Denzel Washington has the power to build time machines”
“Gregory Peck will likely rise from the grave and start practicing law”
“Steve Jobs sucks just as much as Bono and U2”
“Someone around here needs to open a restaurant called the Regal Beagle”
“Reese’s is going to take my advice and shut down the peanut butter cup factory to make room for the rocket shoe plant”
“Unless you drive KITT from Knight Rider, your car probably has the IQ of a shoelace”
“Listening to Vince Vaughn in fast-forward would make your head explode”
“I’m going to be just like that Robin Hood fellow… except instead of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, I’ll be stealing from you and giving to me”
“Optimus Prime’s second cousin is a limousine/ordain minister who runs auctions on the side”
“Alex Trebek answers questions before anyone asks them”
“Dr. Phil can give really good advice, if you ignore him and make up your own advice”
“Johnny Depp doesn’t know what it feels like to be a cactus”
“Tony Danza was never the boss”
“Some old lady likes her coffee crisp… what a clever minx”
“The 88 Minutes movie contains 88 minutes worth of unnecessary footage”

Alright this has gone on long enough. If you bothered reading all of that, you’ve pretty much just lived the last year of my life… yep… that’s about it… my life. Anyway, to the people who have actually read this shit over the past year, I say thanks… for… I don’t know something? And to the people who haven’t been reading any of this shit, it doesn’t really matter what I say, but I can’t say it here, cuz the people who are reading would read the message for the people who haven’t been reading… and that would make it, sort of like, a message for the people who have been reading… which isn’t really my intention.

I need a pack of confetti and some balloons.

Recap:
I’ve devoted the last year of my life to stupidity… and that makes me smarter than I’ve ever been.

Tell your friends to buy me an anniversary gift.

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