When I reach the ripe ol’ age of… ummm… (insert ellipsis here)… when I become a man I want to be a trial lawyer. If movies and television have taught me anything, it’s that trial lawyers are a suave bunch of Charlie’s; getting shot in the shoulder stings for a second but you forget about it shortly after it happens; and watching the road while driving is highly overrated. And I’ll be damned if I’ve learned anything other than that… anywhere else… ever.

Anyway, trial lawyers rock. My goal in life is to standup, in front of a large group of people, and yell “Objection! He’s badgering the witness!” How many opportunities does a man get to use the word badgering… and really mean it? Not enough… not enough.

How cool must Johnnie Cochrane be to his friends? Seriously O.J. Simpson… possibly the guiltiest criminal in the history of crime gets away with murder because Johnnie Cochrane is a ballsy son of a bitch! And that’s the only reason. Edo was like… that Johnnie Cochrane is a fiery bastard… good for him! If I were Johnnie Cochrane I’d eat at expensive restaurants, and when the bill came, I’d just write “Johnnie Cochrane isn’t paying for this shit” right at the top of the receipt… and if the waiter came up to me and demanded a tip, I’d say “O.J. Simpson” and then I’d turn and walk out the door. The waiter would probably be like “What the fuck just happened?” But you know what? It wouldn’t matter, cuz I’d be Johnnie Cochrane.

I bet if Gregory Peck were alive today, he’d be a trial lawyer. Gregory Peck wouldn’t even need to go to law school… he could just practice under the name Atticus Finch, and win cases… hell, Gregory Peck could just practice under the name Gregory Peck, and show up drunk to every trial, and just win by default because he’s Gregory Peck.

But back to what I was saying; when I grow up, I’m going to be a trial lawyer, and my first case is going to be defending the robber from the Cookie Crisp box. That poor bastard just wanted to eat some miniature cookies with a spoon and some milk, but he never got the chance god damn it. I’d win that case for the Gipper and people would look at me as if I were Johnnie Cochrane… or Gregory Peck. And then after the trial ended, with me winning in the 12th round by knockout, everyone from the Jury, the cast of the Fact’s of Life, Bob Barker and Estelle Getty, would all hoist me on their shoulders and carry me out of the courtroom to the theme music from Chariots of Fire… it would be dazzling!

Unfortunately, the celebration would get cut short when the robber from the Cookie Crisp box gets shot, outside the courtroom, by the fat guy from the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box… that guy’s a jealous bastard.

Poor robber from the Cookie Crisp box… never even gets a chance to taste how good miniature cookies can be with milk.

Recap:
I’m going to be the best damn trial lawyer ever;
Johnnie Cochrane has a free past through the rest of life;
Gregory Peck will likely rise from the grave and start practicing law;
Estelle Getty shouldn’t carry people out of courtrooms because she’s old, frail, and will break a hip;
Being the robber on the Cookie Crisp box really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Tell your friends not to badger the witness.

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