So a while back I wrote this thing about how my brother in law is probably going to kill me because he doesn’t like Nutella… and that’s what people who don’t like Nutella do… they kill people. Anyway, he decided to come up with a rebuttal (I still think he’s going to try kill me) and I figured it would make sense to let whoever read my post read his as well… so that they could help me in ridiculing him for being such a weirdo.

The following is what Tom has to say:

Hi All,

To give context to this note, I should explain that it started when my brother-in-law, Zok, wrote a well-intentioned note about my distaste for Nutella. In it, he chided me for my dislike of Nutella and joked about his concerns for his safety given my aversion to the taste of Nutella. What he didn’t realize is that his note would spark a rash of attacks on me by the Nutella Extremists. They are often referred to as the Nutzis. In fact, they are more properly called the neo-Nutzis as they are a modern day incarnation of the vicious Nutzis of the Third Reich.

Contrary to Zok’s contention that Hitler disliked Nutella, he indeed loved it. So much so, that he devoted an entire unit within his Gestapo called the “Gianduja”. Gianduja was the pre-WWII name for Nutella and Hitler named his henchman after this product. In those days the repulsive spread came in a block rather than a jar (see the Wikipedia entry on Nutella to learn the origins of the name Gianduja). Hitler’s Gianduja were devoted to identifying those who did not like Nutella and punishing them with the fury of the Führer.

It was one particular attack on me by a viscious neo-Nutzi that has lead me to write today. A few weeks ago a group of Nutzis pinned me down in the TTC station at Yonge and Eglinton. The perpetrators wore balaclavas to cover their faces and arm bands emblazened with brown swastikas. They beat me into submission, then ripped off my shirt. In a heavy brown coating of Nutella, they smeared the word “anti-Nutellite” across my back. I staggered out into the light of day at Yonge and Eglinton and into traffic. I narrowly averted death from the oncoming traffic. Luckily a fellow Nutella Loather helped me in off the street.

In light of this most recent and heinous attack, I realized I must stand up and fight. I must make my plight and the plight of so many other Nutella Loathers known to the world!

Let me begin by conceding that I do not like Nutella. I find it to be a repugnant spread. I fail to see how anybody can bring it to their mouth after watching it being spread. It looks like some sort of fecal matter being mashed and smeared across perfectly good bread. But live and let live, I always say. I don’t begrudge anybody the right to spread a disgusting, vile substance onto bread and eat it (e.g., Vegemite, Nutella). So if you choose to eat it, feel free, but don’t persecute me for my aversion to it. Let me continue to eat jam, peanut butter, cheez whiz and other delightful delicacies in peace. Why must you impose your taste for “the dark spread” on me?!?!

While I am owning up to my distaste for vile spreads, I should like to go further and point out that I am a nut and raisin segregationist. I believe that they should be separate, but equal. I very much enjoy peanuts, walnuts, almonds, and raisins, but strictly on their own. I cannot abide the awful feeling of biting into a cookie or a muffin and finding a big bloated raisin that’s been sat there swelling. Disgusting! I don’t want peanuts, tree nuts, or raisins that have been coated in chocolate, buried in batter or hidden within the deep recesses of a macaroon. Again, I have no problem with nuts and raisins, I just think they should not be mixed with other foods. I have been persecuted for this view as well, but not nearly as intensely as I have been for my views on Nutella. The Nutzis seem intent on imposing Nutella first and then nuts and raisins second.

At any rate, this post would go on for days if I were to recount the stories of horror and malice perpetrated by the Nutzis, so let me just conclude by saying, spread what you like, but stay off my bread. As the Rolling Stones sang “Hey! You! Get off of my Toast!”

I also implore all other Nutella Loathers to stand up and be heard. Thank you.

Tom Gale

I will happily pass along any threats/jokes at Tom’s expense that you may have to share; so feel free to post comments here.

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