Honestly, I don’t know what to say here. I suppose I’ll start by saying I’ve never had any problems Tom (that’s the brother-in-law) in fact we get along quite well. The dude bought me a bass for his wedding (yes you read that correctly) and if I wasn’t sold on him, as a brother, before that, I certainly was once it happened. That was, quite possibly, the coolest thing anyone has ever done for me. So Tom is a-ok in my book.

Here’s the problem. The man doesn’t like Nutella. What kind of human being doesn’t find Nutella delightful? It’s rich, chocolaty, has a hint of hazelnut… it’s fantastic! And the husband of my sister detests the stuff. I’m sorry, but people who don’t enjoy consuming a tasty jar of Nutella, every now and then, probably get home from work and unwind by helping themselves to 2 – 4 servings of human.

What would a Nutella-less society be like? I can’t help but envision our whole race reduced to nothing more than a pack of jackals… civilization, as we know it, would never have flourished without the invention of that fine spread back in the 1940’s. In fact, I’m pretty sure Nutella is the reason WWII concluded. People just couldn’t fight anymore knowing there was a delicious chocolate spread, circulating around the world, just waiting to be ingested.

You know who didn’t like Nutella? Hitler. Stalin. Dahmer. I’m pretty sure those dudes started killing people because they have some fucked up gene, that makes you not like the fine taste of Nutella… and then go on killing rampages.

What irks me the most about all of this is how close to home it is. I mean, one day, I may wake up dead… with a Nutella-coated butter knife sticking out of my chest. And the kicker is, Tom’s not a bad fellow. I wouldn’t want him to go to jail, for the rest of his life, for chopping me up and distributing me, to grocery stores around the GTA, as a flavorless soup that no one actually likes to eat… but they do anyway cuz it’s inexpensive and has a bitching label on the can (which I would have designed before getting offed). That would be terrible. God knows I don’t want to be ousted by someone who doesn’t even like Nutella. I can only hope that, soon, the man will see the light and come to his senses… before something disastrous goes down.

Unfortunately for me, my fate is, likely, already sealed.

Recap:
My brother-in-law doesn’t like Nutella;
You’ll probably hear rumors of my death soon.

Tell your friends… to contact local authorities if I go missing.

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