Once upon a time there was a ninja. His name doesn’t matter, because he was a ninja, and ninjas don’t need names. Anyway, this dude kicked excessive amounts of ass; so much so that after he died followers began spreading the gospel of the guy who kicked mass quantities of ass. If I’m not mistaken, some people refer to him now as Jesus, and claim that he resurrected himself after dying… it’s just hearsay really, but we can be certain that this ninja was, indeed, a glorious being.

Some few years after the death of the ninja, a new bread of madman was born. This lunatic wasn’t as much an ass kicker as his predecessor, but what he lacked in natural killing ability, he made up for with his impressive aptitude in looting, plundering, and general insanity. This man would be known as the first pirate.

For centuries, the legend of these great men bred many a follower. Ninjas became, both, the most bitching criminals in all of Japan, and also the most feared peace keepers the land had ever seen… while pirates… well they just did whatever cuz they’re pirates and they could do that sort of thing.

These wondrous factions co-existed for hundreds of years until one day a meteor crashed into the earth, killing all the dinosaurs… but then the meteor got its ass kicked so bad by a team of ninjirates (they were a product of a ninja and a pirate mating directly on the equator) that the meteor had to sign a contract saying it would orbit the earth for the rest of time… but in return both ninjas and pirates alike would have to disband.

After much thought, both the ninjas and their pirate brethren decided that it would be best for mankind if their groups liquidated… and with that, ninjas returned to Japan and started building volcanoes, and pirates made a home in Ireland, where they felt the land best accommodated blackout-drunkenness.

So another few hundred years went by, and with the creation of the internet a great debate was born… who’s better… the ninja or the pirate?

Ninja supporters will argue that you can’t kill a ninja because ninjas are stealth, cunning, quick and agile. They’ll suggest that the ninja is so proficient in killing that Mr. T, himself, would come and kill you just for thinking that a ninja isn’t a greased up killing machine. They’d tell you that ninjas are so bad-ass they don’t need names… and if they do happen to have a name it’s Jesus, or Moses, or Jebadiah, or Jesustron. What more do you need to know?

But what about pirates? Pirates are crazy; seriously, they’re loco. Pirates have absolutely no regard for their own limbs. A pirate without a hook for a hand, a peg leg, and a missing eye is nothing more than a sailor on a Caribbean cruise ship. Pirates can consume mass quantities of alcohol… the likes of which no human can fathom… if you knew how much liquor a pirate could drink in one sitting, your head would literally explode… that’s no joke. Oh did I mention that pirates are crazy? Who in his right mind would find a barrel full of gold, sail around a bit and bury it somewhere? Fuck buying stuff, a Pirate will take what he wants, when he wants… and then bury it in someone’s backyard (Ladies take note… it may be in your best interest to steer clear of pirates).

So that brings us back to the question of who is better?

Ninjas were created when a Japanese man lovingly fornicated with his bride… Pirates hatched from the eggs of some exotic Octopus in the Atlantic ocean.

Pirates get from point A to point B by sailing on large wooden ships… Ninjas drop-kick themselves to wherever it is they want to go.

Ninjas are swift… Pirates are crazy.

Well I say who cares which is better… and you know why I say this? Because leprechauns own all their asses… that’s right leprechauns.

Ninjas are stealth? How many leprechauns do you see roaming the countryside? Some dude in the middle of nowhere managed to get footage of Bigfoot walking around… but there’s no documented footage of a leprechaun… ever… and you know why? No one has ever seen a leprechaun and lived to tell the tale. Period. Pirates have no regard for limbs? Is it that they have no regard, or that they ran into a mob of leprechauns who tore them to shit? Ninjas fly around to wherever it is they want to go… leprechauns ride el chupa cabre and wreak havoc on everything in their paths.

Is there really any doubt?

Recap:
Ninjas are pretty wicked killing machines;
Pirates are far out too;
But leprechauns are animals and will kill you just for looking in their general direction.

Tell your friends.

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