Lately I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem to be putting money aside for eventual retirement. I started thinking about this whole “future” thing, and I’ve decided that now is a good time for me to start preparing for mine. So I’m making a long-term plan… but not one of those sissy, little, short-long-term plans, I’m making a real man’s long-term plan!

I’m not putting any money away for my 60s, 70s, or whatever ages are considered the golden years… I’m going to save up for this afterlife thing… seems as though it’s a smart thing to do.

My understanding is that this post-life life goes on for a long-ass time… so if I start putting money aside now, I should be in good shape. I wasn’t sure what kind of currency I needed, so I called front desk at this Heaven place, and spoke to this guy, named Jebadiah (nice enough bloke), who told me that Japanese Yen is the primary currency in Heaven. I was pretty stoked to hear that… cuz I like saying Japanese Yen. Anyway, I asked Jeb (Jebadiah and I are on pretty good terms now, so I call him Jeb… he’s got me scheduled for an 11am tee-off at the Paradise Resort golf course in Heaven… even though I suck at golf… he told me it was cool… cuz he sucks too, and really he just likes getting cranked and driving around in the little golf-cart) if he could give me any info on this Heaven place, so he hooked me up with a pamphlet.

Apparently, Heaven is a crowded-ass-place! Like think China but way worse. I hear they don’t let you have any kids up there… at least in China you’re allowed one… but yeah, serious overpopulation issue. Jeb said he’s got a really nice villa on the lake, and if I decide to make the move to Heaven any time soon, he’d be happy to let me stay in his Pool-house.

Most Heavener’s work pretty long weeks… cuz cash is a little sparse and housing is uber-expensive. I hear the economy collapsed a few thousand years ago, and the majority of Heaven’s income goes to this God fellow. God is like the Bill Gates of Heaven… he’s super-rich… I hear he bought his kid a Ferrari for his birthday… lucky bastard.

Anyway, with all the hustle and bustle of Heaven, most residents like to get away and vacation down south in this place called Hell. Word ‘round the campfire is that Hell is actually a pretty nice location… much hotter than Heaven, but it’s a dry heat, and a nice change of pace. Most vacation packages to Hell are all-inclusive… so once you get there, you don’t have to do shit! Some Stan guy runs the show down there, and he’s definitely got a knack for business, cuz Hell is the hottest vacation spot in the Universe (at least that’s what’s being advertised).

Jeb said that if I start saving now, I can probably afford an eternity-long vacation to Hell by the time I’ve been in Heaven for around an eternity… so it seems like it could be an alright deal… but who knows… I’m not really sure how time is measured in this place, cuz they don’t use our 24 hour clock.

I’d write more, but I need to open up a bank account in Heaven and convert all my cash to Japanese Yen ASAP. I suggest you do the same!

Recap:
Putting money away for the future is a smart thing to do;
I’m not sure which years are considered the golden years;
Jebadiah, who works the help desk in Heaven, is a cool guy;
Japanese Yen is the currency of the future;
God is like Bill Gates… but wealthier (if you could imagine that);
Stan’s a good businessman, and Hell is THE place to vacation;
Our clocks are fast.

Tell your friends that they’ll need to start saving Yen now, if they ever want to vacation in Hell.

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