This morning I had the misfortune of waking up at like 8:30am… which is a far cry from my usual noon to 2pm slot, when I normally roll out of bed. Half asleep, lost, bewildered and wandering around my house like a zombie from any pre-90s zombie movie (it would’ve been a lot cooler if I were a zombie from Michael Jackson’s Thriller video… cuz who wouldn’t want to get out of bed and bust into some, cool-ass, dance routine while Thriller was blaring out of God-knows-where… cuz who would’ve turned it on? Who knows? It’d be too awesome to question where the music was coming from) I was struck by this odd feeling of hunger. Yeah, turns out people eat this breakfast meal, in the morning, cuz if you get up before noon you’re hungry. Let this be a lesson to all the starving children in Ethiopia: sleep in!

So anyway, at some unforgiving hour, pre-noon when time shouldn’t even exist, I figured it would be in my best interest to consume some sort of light meal. Most people refer to this meal as breakfast, I prefer to call it lunch… cuz it’s all just lunch in my book… I mean, where do we draw the distinction from one meal to the next? But back to the story; I grabbed some Rice Krispies (who is the clever son of a bitch who thought it would be a good idea to spell Krispies with a K? Would it have been too bland a cereal that no one would buy, if it were called Rice Crispies? They spell Crackle’s name with a C… why was the C alright for Crackle but not Krispies? I don’t get it) and a banana, cuz when I was a little kid I used to enjoy cutting up some banana and dropping it into my cereal bowl. I poured some milk into the mix, and that’s when I made a startling discovery…

Rice Krispies are the ultimate camouflage for bananas! Here I was, eating this cereal, which had been laced with little circles of banana, and I couldn’t find a banana, in the bowl, to save my life. At first, I thought my mind may just be playing tricks on me… after all, no man could possibly be expected to, properly, function at such an unholy hour of the day… but shortly after questioning myself, I realized that there were, in fact, bananas in my cereal bowl. I’m not going to lie… at this point; I think I had a conniption… and again I’m not going to lie, I really just felt like using the word conniption, which is the only reason you’re reading this whole sentence. After finishing my epileptic spasm and regaining my composure, I proceeded to finish my bowl of cereal… then I decided to try an experiment.

I poured a second bowl of Rice Krispies, cut up the remaining banana and mixed the two in a bowl with some milk. As mind-blowing as this is going to sound, again, the banana was completely hidden! I’m not really sure how I managed to eat the entire second bowl of cereal, with my jaw sitting comfortably on the ground, but I did finish it, and then I just sat quietly, thinking about the event that had just transpired.

Why is it that people in the military, and dudes in high school who walk around in knee-high Doc Martin’s, wear those ridiculous camo-patterned pants and jackets, when science has clearly taught us that Rice Krispies provide a far more effective means of camouflage? I mean, maybe I’m missing something here, but every time some dude walks past me in camo-fatigues, I can totally see him. You know how many times I’ve seen a guy walk buy in a Rice Krispies suit? Zero; because Rice Krispies are the ultimate disguise! I bet really high-end James Bond clearance-level spies have special Rice Krispies suits that they wear while sneaking into enemy territories… and they carry, with them, a Rice Krispies Squares briefcase, where they put all the classified documents that they obtain.

God damn… the government / CIA / whoever it is running this operation, is a clever bunch of Charlie’s… and they’re probably going to sneak in here and kill me in my sleep for leaking this very classified secret… and they’ll go so far as to make it look like an accident… that’s how important I’ve become…

Screw this, I’m making myself a Rice Krispies suit and getting the fuck out of here!

Recap:
8:30am is not an actual time of day, stop treating it as such;
Michael Jackson directed Thriller zombies are the best brand of zombie ever;
Rice Krispies provide better camouflage than any other substance known to man;
Conniption is too underutilized a word;
Some guy in a Rice Krispies suit is coming to kill me tonight;
I’m outsmarting him and getting away.

Tell your friends where to hide the banana.

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