A short while back, I had the opportunity to speak with Vince Vaughn (though he did, pretty much, all the talking… cuz he’s Vince Vaughn… and he can talk really fast… he’s like the Ben Johnson of talking… actually Ben Johnson had that whole steroids thing, where they stripped him of the gold medal at the Olympics… who’s somebody really fast… at running? Cuz Vince Vaughn is to talking what some really-fast-running-guy is to running).

Anyway, I had this conversation that ended with Vince Vaughn asking me to help him solve some grizzly murder. The really weird thing about this whole scenario is that Vince Vaughn is an actor… not a detective. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing solving murders… so I asked him if he knew Vince Vaughn the actor… he gave me a weird look and informed me that he was, in fact, Vince Vaughn the actor. So I asked him why he’s solving murders, and he said something that I couldn’t really understand… cuz it sounded like a tape being played in fast forward… so I just pretended to understand, what it was Vince was talking about, and we got on to the details of the murder case.

So some really old dude, who enjoys playing a rousing game of “doctor” with young men, every now and again, seems to have off-ed his wife. That’s really all I could discern from Vince’s briefing… actually, I’m pretty sure the old dude’s wife hasn’t turned up dead yet… which technically makes this more of a missing person investigation than a murder investigation… but that’s semantics… and Vince Vaughn is more of an actor than a detective.

Where was I? Oh… the old dude… Professor Plum is his name… he’s, conveniently named after the “Clue” character. You figure if your last name is Plum… and you name your kid Professor, he’s bound to end up killing someone with a candlestick one day. If I ever have a kid, I’m not naming him Professor… and changing my last name to Plum… I may change my last name to Mustard, and name the kid Colonel… but there’s only an outside chance of that happening.

Anyway, I’m a notoriously unmotivated guy who likes to take shortcuts… but with a responsibility, like the one Vince Vaughn had bestowed upon me, I knew I had to be serious for once in my life… catching a cold-hearted, wife-murdering bastard was at steak.

Immediately after my discussion with Vince, I booked it over to the toy department of Zellers and bought myself a “Clue” board. I figured, if I’m to have any chance of catching this sadistic bastard, I need to know what makes him tick… I learned that from old detective movies and episodes of CSI. I spent a good 3 and-a-half days in my basement, examining Mr. Plum, and I learned quite a bit about him. It seems Plum was involved in a torrid love affair with one, Ms. Scarlet.

Ms. Scarlet is a vivacious woman in her early forties (significantly younger than the decrepit Plum) who had recently been divorced from her, ridiculously wealthy, husband (of 12 years) after he caught her messing around with a trio of pool boys. Ms. Scarlet had her ass tossed out on the street, and she didn’t like it. So Scarlet decided to try sabotage Plum’s union (to that potentially dead old lady that we’re looking for) so that she could get a piece of his fortune (I didn’t mention it before, but Plum’s a pretty wealthy guy).

Anyway, a gross old man like Plum, could never turn down a smoking minx like Scarlet, so the two fired up this little affair. Eventually, Scarlet convinced Plum that together, they could rule the world… or be happy… or something like that… so a plan came to fruition, where Plum would murder his wife… not with the ever-popular candlestick, but with the wrench, in the conservatory… and he’d dump her body in the Hudson River so that Vince Vaughn wouldn’t find it…

So I think I’ve pretty much solved the case… I just need to find all the clues and shit, so that I can put the pieces together.

Anyone have a snorkel I could borrow?

Recap:
Listening to Vince Vaughn in fast-forward would make your head explode;
Steroids make Ben Johnson run faster;
Naming your kid Professor Plum is a guaranteed way to turn him into a murderous old man;
Foxy older women get involved with pool boys;
The candlestick is too obvious a murder weapon for a real-life murder;
Swimming in the Hudson River is a surefire way to contract Hepatitis.

Tell your friends not to blow Vince Vaughn’s cover.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 8th, 2007 at 4:45 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.