I think spaceships are boring. Man has been going to the moon for many a year now, and the spaceship hasn’t really changed much. Every year auto-makers are releasing fancy new car designs with futuristic features and more cup-holders… but spaceships, well, they seem to stay the same. So where’s my motivation to become a rocket scientist? What am I supposed to be excited about going to the moon? Seriously? What the hell would I do on the moon? Walk around a bit? I could do that here, and it would cost me nothing. So until the Ferrari of spaceship design gives me some new shuttle features, I’m staying put.

To help those poor shuttle designing bastards out, I’m going to list my suggestions here.

1. The spaceship should be transformed into a horse-led-chariot. I realize that it would probably take too many horses to fly a chariot to the moon, so I will accept a design that’s actually built from metal… but looks like horses.

Auto makers are doing a lot of this revisiting of old styles from the 60’s thing, and what not… and it’s working… so why not do the same for spaceships?

2. Every shuttle should come with a celebrity crew. If Steve Buscemi isn’t coming to the moon with me then I’m not going.

3. The space-suit also needs a revamping. If I’m roaming the galaxy as a representative of the human race, I think I should look stylish. If you were some crazy alien, and a guy wearing a tinfoil suit of armor, and fishbowl helmet approached you, what would you think? The term “who the fuck is this joker?” comes to mind.

4. I’ve changed my mind about the horse chariot design… I think the shuttle should be a working replica of Voltron… all 5 sections. And I don’t think our mission should be to go to outer space; it should be to fight King Zarkon and his team of bad guys who are trying to take over the universe. To achieve this goal, we’ll likely have to head into outer-space, but exploring the vast crevasses of the universe really shouldn’t be the focal point of our missions.

5. I realize I’ve wandered off on a tangent, and this list isn’t entirely about design ideas… but I don’t care, and if those sons-o-bitches at Nasa don’t like it, they can kiss my ass.

6. This is really rule number 5, cuz rule number 5 wasn’t really a rule. I want to meet Alf. If anyone has a map to Melmac let me know.

7. James Earl Jones has to be the guy doing the countdown to launch.

8. I’d better not have to pay roaming charges if I make a call from space. Last time I tried to go to the moon I didn’t have to pay roaming charges, but I only made it to the roof of my house… so that may be why… I’m not sure; I never actually called to ask the phone company.

9. I think instead of putting criminals in jail we should just send them to colonize Mars… it’s win-win. The criminals don’t have to bother trying to escape some little cell, and we could use those jail cells to keep our old and senile folk out of our way.

10. (Really rule 8… see 5 and 9… actually avoid 5 and 9… I probably should have put this above those ones) The ET game for Atari made no sense. Really… all you did was walk around collecting pieces of a phone… that was poorly planned.

11. Whoever was in charge of making the ET game for Atari are not to go anywhere near my spaceship.

I think that’s the gist. If Nasa or the Canadian equivalent (I think KIA or Hyundai are in charge of our space program) would like to follow my guidelines, and build a real aircraft, then I’ll consider changing my name to Captain Kirk. Otherwise, they could bring Bill Shatner out of retirement and stop calling me.

Recap:
Spaceships suck;
There’s nothing to do on the Moon these days;
Chariots, Voltron, Steve Buscemi and Alf are essential for intergalactic travel to be possible;
James Earl Jones has a cool voice;
Criminals deserve freedom too;
ET for Atari was a pointless game.

Tell your friends.

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