If I ever have a kid, he’s going to be a boy, and I’m going to raise him to be a really masculine dude. His name is going to be Stewart, because you never meet a really masculine guy named Stewart. He’s not going to trim it down to Stew either, it’s Stewart. Stewart is going to be a lumberjack, and he’s going to have a fire-engine-red beard, and he’s going to wear nothing but plaid shirts with navy suspenders. Stewart is going to be the grizzliest fellow you’ve ever seen.

One day, while on a trek through the Northern wilderness area, Stewart is going to encounter the grizzliest grizzly bear ever… and he’s going to fight it with his bare hands… and lose… cuz it’s a grizzly bear and he’s a regular man. But the legend of Stewart will live on, and people will embellish his story. Eventually, said legend will have it that this dude Stewart met the grizzliest bear ever, killed it while blindfolded with one arm tied behind a miniature goblin’s back, and then he built a cabin in the wilderness out of the beastly bear’s bones.

Stewart is going to be like the new Chuck Norris. People are going to make websites about how manly Stewart is, and Chuck Norris is going to get jealous and make a website about how he’s so much better than Stewart… but the Chuck Norris craze will have long-since passed, and people will start making websites about how much of a nerd Chuck Norris is, for making a website about how much better than Stewart he is. And then Chuck Norris is going to go fight a bear in the wilderness to prove how awesome he is… but like Stewart, he’s going to get disfigured by the bear… and then Kelly (that’s the bear) is going to make a website about how much better he is than Chuck Norris… and people are going to marvel at how cool it is that they have high speed internet connections in the wilderness.

Stewart is so cool for starting this whole craze… and I’m so cool for being Stewart’s dad. A few years after the whole wilderness-internet craze dies down, people are going to start making t-shirts about how awesome I am for making Stewart. T-shirts are going to replace the internet, cuz the internet will have gotten boring at that point, and people will start communicating through t-shirts.

I’m going to found a huge t-shirt company one day, but I’m never going to put myself on my shirts, cuz that would be lame… and I’d be like Chuck Norris. People will marvel at my modestness, and they’ll just make more shirts featuring me… and then I’ll become the biggest celebrity the world has ever seen. John Lennon will climb out of his grave, find a silkscreen machine and make t-shirts that proclaim me bigger than Jesus… and the Beatles… and then I’ll make a t-shirt that says “Thanks John Lennon” and on the back of the shirt it will play the theme song from Welcome back Kotter… because John Lennon deserves to be welcomed back.

After all is said and done, they’re going to make a movie about my life called Rocky 4 part 2, and I’m going to fight Dulf Lungren as He-Man, but I’m going to be the one with the power of Grayskull… and I’m going to kick his ass… and then the real He-Man will come and shake my hand for being awesome and taking care of the He-man impersonator.

Yep… it’s going to be a hell of a life.

Recap:
There are no really masculine Stewarts out there;
I’m going to have a really masculine lumberjack kid named Stewart;
Stewart is going to get killed by a bear, but legend will suggest otherwise;
Chuck Norris hates being upstaged;
T-shirts are the new internet;
John Lennon thinks I’m the man;
He-Man also thinks I’m the man;

Tell your friends.

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