I have a feeling tonight is going to be a really interesting evening for me. I’m going to have a dream where I’m chased around by a giant raspberry. I suppose it will be more of a nightmare than a dream, cuz who wouldn’t be afraid of an enormous raspberry with limbs, hunting them down, on a foggy evening. Giant raspberries are scary cuz they can strike at any time… and they’re out for revenge. You know how many times I’ve eaten regular raspberries, throughout the course of my life? A lot; and I’m pretty sure it’s made me a marked man.

So anyway, this massive raspberry, who I call Captain Colossal Berry, is going to be chasing me through the streets of Arizona… I’m not really sure why I’m going to be in Arizona, but dreams don’t always make sense… and I think all dreams need that surreal element to keep them interesting… cuz how boring would my dream be if it took place near home? That’s a rhetorical question… to which the answer is: very. So Captain Colossal Berry is out to get me cuz I ate half his family yesterday, and now he’s pissed… and I don’t really know how to get away from him… but I’ve got a plan!

I’m going hit up a grocery store, grab a couple blackberries, find a smallish crevice where Captain Colossal Berry can’t get me, breed my blackberries, and then spend the next 4 months raising the blackberry offspring, and growing him into a large, prize fighting blackberry named General Giant Berry.

As far as General Giant Berry knows, I’m the only parent he’s ever had… cuz I had to eat his actual parents, so as not to die in the cleft where I was hiding for 4 months… so General Giant Berry loves me, and he’s willing to go to war with any oversized raspberries, or vicious bananas that may want me dead… and that’s exactly what ends up happening in my dream.

Once General Giant Berry and I, bust our asses out of our hiding spot, Captain Colossal Berry wakes from his hibernated state (giant raspberries hibernate when they’re waiting for someone to come out of hiding) and engages General Giant Berry in an epic battle to the death! Knowing that some heavy shit is about to go down, I decide to head across the street, to a little video store, so as to grab some pop corn… cuz who would want to watch two jumbo fruits, dueling to their end, without a delicious bag of popcorn in hand.

Anyway, while at the video store eating popcorn, I decide to browse the shelves to see if there are any good movies that I may have an interest in renting and watching later. A great thing about dreams is that you can rent movies, and you never have to return them, or pay for them, cuz you can just wake up when you’re finished watching… it pisses the video store people off more than when you rent a movie and don’t rewind the tape… specially nowadays considering no one really uses VCRs anymore.

I thought about renting Schindler’s List… but then I was like… “Fuck, I’m going to have to wake up in a couple hours, and I don’t really want to get half way through and then have to remember to watch the rest tomorrow…” so I didn’t rent it… but then when I put it down, some chick picked it up and looked over at her and I said “Do you have to wake up soon?” and she was like “Not really” and I was like “Oh that’s cool then” and she was like “Yeah.”

That’s when I wake up.

Recap:
Gigantic raspberries are like the new Freddy Kruger;
Equally massive blackberries are not like Freddy Kruger… unless they find out that you ate their parents… then they are also a lot like Freddy Kruger;
Arizona is a nice place to hold dream sessions… cuz it’s warm, and not humid;
Pop corn makes things more exciting;
Schindler’s List is a long ass movie;
There are no late fees in video stores that you dream up… hell there are no fees period.

Tell your friends to eat some raspberries… if they have a death wish!

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