Surfers, to me, are like broccoli to sharks. If I ever become a professional surfer (which is incredibly likely, despite the fact I’ve never actually been surfing before) I’m going to tell people that I’m a professional broccoli. I wouldn’t refer to myself as a head of broccoli (or whatever it is you might actually refer to a piece of broccoli as) but I’d just be a broccoli. That’s right. I’m a professional broccoli. I’m not, but one day I probably will be… and you can tell people that you know a professional broccoli, and your friends will think you have a severe mental handicap, but you’ll know better.

I wonder if broccoli is considered a surfer, among his vegetable brethren. I’m guessing he is. I’m also guessing that broccoli is a he… he may be a she… but I will refer to him (or her) as a he, so as not to confuse anyone. If I referred to broccoli as a she, someone may read this and think “Whoa, what the fuck… I always thought broccoli was a he!?” and there will just be far too much confusion, going around, to get my point across.

If broccoli is the vegetable-worlds surfer… does that make cauliflower the vegetable skateboarder or snowboarder? I’d imagine cauliflower to be one of the two, but I’ve always felt too awkward to actually ask cauliflower if it prefers skateboarding or snowboarding. I’m pretty sure cauliflower would just look at me, with those eyes of judgment, like “what kind of stupid question is that?” and then I’d feel like less of a man. The absolute last thing I want is to look like a fool in the eyes of the cauliflower.

I bet lettuce is the mayor of vegetable-land. Lettuce always seems to be in charge. Either that, or lettuce is just like the vegetable stalker… who always finds himself around the action. For some reason, celery seems like more of a stalker to me though. I’m not really sure. What I am pretty certain of, is that tomato is the vegetable fruit… you can take that to bank (though I’m not sure what the bank will do with that information).

But back to sharks… I wonder if sharks can tell the difference between broccoli, the vegetable, and broccoli, the human surfer. I’m pretty sure, if I were a shark, I’d be able to tell the difference, what with all the meat associated with surfer broccoli. I think I’m a lot saltier than vegetable broccoli, but it could just be that my brain is misinterpreting my flavor. Maybe vegetable broccoli feels he is saltier than I am? How do I know? I tried to have this conversation with broccoli once, but it was a pretty one-sided affair, cuz the fucker wouldn’t shut up. Have you ever tried to have a civilized conversation with broccoli? It can’t be done. Carrots, maybe, but broccoli won’t let you get three words in, before he starts rambling about the economy, or how itchy wool pants are. I honestly feel like I can’t even talk to broccoli anymore. Sad… that it’s come to this… we used to be so close, what with our mutual interest in surfing.

You know what I really don’t understand? If broccoli is the vegetable surfer, and cauliflower is the vegetable snowboarder/skateboarder… who the hell is the vegetable tree? I bet it’s someone ridiculous, like Mr. Potato Head. I always figured Mr. Potato Head was like the vegetable celebrity. Always starring in his TV commercials, playing all those different roles and what not. But everything in veggie-land is upside down. It’s totally like those jackasses to appoint their resident celebrity the position of tree. Nothing in vegetable world makes any sense. That’s why I’m glad I don’t live there.

Recap:
A surfer is really just shark broccoli;
Vegetables live in a messed up world, where rules don’t apply;
Mr. Potato Head may actually be a bonsai tree.

Tell your friends to tell broccoli to shut the fuck up!

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