The other day, I was lying around, eating a bag of Doritos while having a random movie marathon, and it got me thinking… have I already seen this movie? After squinting for a few minutes (squinting helps you think real hard… if you aren’t squinting, you aren’t thinking hard enough about whatever it is you’re trying to think about) I came to the realization that I had, in fact, seen the movie in question. I decided it would be a waste of an hour, for me, to re-watch this film… cuz had I really liked it the first time around, I probably wouldn’t have forgotten that I’d already seen it. It was at this point, when I concluded that it would be a waste, of my ultra-muscular physique, if I didn’t take the proverbial plunge and become a professional athlete.

With a good forty-some-odd minutes to kill, before the next movie, I started squinting again, this time with just one eye… while the other eye looked in the direction of the squinting eye, and I stuck my tongue out a little too (clearly business was meant to be had at this point). I started listing off sports that would potentially fit my skill set, and God-given awesomeness. Here’s what I came up with…

Basketball was the first sport on the list. I’m not really sure why, cuz I don’t like basketball. I used to play a little b-ball (that’s what the kids call it these days… actually I don’t really know that, I’m just assuming) back in the day, and I was surprisingly adept at shooting 3-pointers… but then I remembered how much I sucked at dribbling the basketball… and being tall… and generally playing the sport. Clearly, this was not the way to go.

Next on my list was boxing. As a kid, I used to play Mike Tyson’s Punch out for the great Nintendo Entertainment System, and I was pretty good at it. Then I started thinking about Rocky, and Ivan Drago, and Mr.T, and I thought “this is the fucking sport for me!” But then someone told me that you actually have to hit people in real boxing… like physically… with your hands. Worse still, the other guy hits you back…

With boxing off the list, I moved on to kick boxing; which seemed like a good idea, for a few seconds, until I realized that kick boxing was actually a lot like regular boxing… cept you hit the bad guys with your hands and your feet. And again, the other guy hits you as well… probably more often than I would be hitting him, at that.

Baseball popped into my head for a minute, until I remembered that I was trying to find a sport where I could be a professional athlete… not an out of shape guy who stands around for a few hours and chews tobacco.

Running out of options, and time, with the credits rolling on that movie that I had already seen, a light bulb just manifested out of nowhere, above my head (You’re probably wondering how I managed to kill around 40 minutes by thinking of like 3 sports and baseball… and… well… I don’t have an answer for you). Anyway, about the light bulb, it was pretty rad, cuz it was a good old fashioned light bulb; not one of those new coil-y, energy saving light bulbs… and this light bulb had a face… and it could talk, and I named it Ray, cuz I figured that would be appropriate. So, Ray looked at me and said “hey man, can I have a Dorito?” and it pissed me off that such a cool little light bulb-man could be such a freeloading punk… I mean the fucker doesn’t even have a stomach… what the hell does he want to eat my Doritos for? So I grabbed Ray by his increasingly warm head / torso / glass casing and threw him out the window.

That’s when it hit me, like a little kid whacking a piñata at some other little kid’s birthday party, not very hard… skiing! Skiing is the perfect sport for a non-athlete, like me, to make a living off of. You don’t actually have to know, how to ski, to be good at it. If you strapped some skis to my feet, and pushed me down a hill, and then sent some professional skier after me, there’s no way he would catch up. Professional skiers do that whole, side to side thing… I just rocket straight down the mountain until a tree stops my progress. I think I could be like the fastest skier, of all time, and I’ve only been skiing once in my whole life. If that doesn’t have professional athlete written all over it, I don’t know what does.

Fuck, I missed the beginning of the next movie.

Recap:
I’m built like a professional athlete, but more muscular and awesome;
I don’t really like basketball that much;
Boxing is best left to Little Mac on the NES;
Kickboxing was never on the NES, so it doesn’t matter;
Baseball is not a sport;
Light bulbs don’t even have stomachs;
I’m the greatest skier to ever live.

Tell your friends.

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