If I ever own and operate a greenhouse, I’m going to fill it with fake plastic plants. It will be a lot easier to maintain my greenhouse than it would be to maintain any other greenhouse in existence… and mine would always look top notch. I’d even hire a maid to dust the plants every week, that way my greenhouse will consistently look spectacular. Passers by will visit my greenhouse and think “Shit, this greenhouse is in impeccable condition” and I will standby and nod contently.

People put far too much work into doing a good job. I’m going to outsmart everybody and do a good job without actually doing a job at all. I may not be an expert on plants, but you don’t need to be an expert on plants to run a magnificent greenhouse. That’s why it’s called a greenhouse and not a house of living plants. Agriculture majors are going to hate me, cuz they’re all going to be upstaged by some dude who knows nothing about plants… except for the fact that they are green. Conversely, Wal-Mart and Ikea are going to love me for buying so much of their greenery.

I’m going to call my greenhouse “The Greenhouse Effect” because it’s like the illusion of a greenhouse… that and David Blaine is going to perform magic tricks in the atrium every Thursday night.

One day, Bono from U2 is going to visit The Greenhouse Effect (because he’s really big on the environment) and he’s going to be like “Hey dude, these aren’t real plants” and then I’m going to flip the switch that operates the trap door that he’s standing on, and then he’s going to plummet into the abyss of the never ending hole (that’s what I call the never ending hole that I built underneath underneath The Greenhouse Effect in case Bono from U2 ever showed up). That’s going to kill that proverbial duo of birds with one flip of the switch… not only do I get rid of that thorn-in-my-side imitation environmentalist, I also get rid of U2! Oh what a glorious day it will be.

I wish I could get rid of that punk Steve Jobs as well… that guy pisses me off with his “I’m better than you” attitude that’s totally unwarranted. Seriously, the guys a massive nerd who hired some solid hardware designers to save his dying company’s ass… oh you’re so brilliant Steve Jobs… you talentless egotistic bastard. Stop making keynotes about how awesome your company is because you own 90-some-odd percent of the portable music player market, and your computer sales are on the rise… good job! Guess what Steve Jobs, your computer sales still pale in comparison to those of PC’s, so kiss my ass! And while I’m at it, your team of top notch designers suck at usability… way to build a music player that you turn off by holding the play button… really intuitive… jackass.

Fuck I wish Steve Jobs were an environmentalist so I could push him into the never ending hole.

Recap:
I’m going to operate a greenhouse called “The Greenhouse Effect”
The Greenhouse Effect is going to consist, entirely, of plastic plants;
David Blaine loves doing magic tricks in greenhouses;
Bono and U2 suck;
Steve Jobs sucks just as much as Bono and U2.

Tell your friends that David Blaine will be performing in The Greenhouse Effect atrium this Thursday night.

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