Alright who do you think would win in a fight between a hard-shell taco and a soft-shell taco? I realize it may seem like a stupid question, but I don’t care and I’d like to know the answer. You’re probably wondering why the hell I’m wondering who would win a fight between tacos… unless you know me (then you’re probably wondering why I haven’t asked this before) so I’ll enlighten you. Yesterday I ate some Taco Bell, for lunch, cuz I was in the mood for some Taco Bell (please refrain from making a comment about how Taco Bell utilizes grade F meat… it’s an overused bit).

Side note… where the hell did the grade F meat thing come from? Who grades meats? And how does one go about grading meat? Is there some kind of standardized test a piece of beef needs to pass before it’s deemed edible? I’m going to go to a restaurant and ask my waiter to show me the transcript from the piece of steak I’m about to order. I want to know how well, said-steak, grasped quadratic functions before I’m willing to throw him on the grill. No use eating a piece of meat that couldn’t figure out some basic math… you know what I’m saying? If I were a piece of meat, I think I’d purposely fail all my tests, so as not to be eaten by some dude… that would suck. I wonder if the really smart pieces of meat are the ones who perform worst on the tests… maybe I should ask for lower grade meat… maybe Taco Bell is really serving the best of the best… did you ever think of that?! Taco Bell beef has, probably, outsmarted you! Which means you’re like grade E meat… now who’s insulted? And no, that doesn’t make you smarter… cuz you didn’t take the standardized test… you simply fell for the old Taco Bell-meat-trick… I’ve seen it a million times if I’ve seen it once.

I think that, the stupider the meat, the less damage he does to your intestines. Smart meat says “fuck you for eating me… I’m going to make you regret your decision,” while stupid meat just sits idly by and lets you digest him, without a fight. Restaurants, who want to make money off of you, try to sell you the stupidest meat… cuz they want you to be happy and come back (it’s a pretty standard business procedure, really). If a restaurant served me as a meal, you’d never want to return… mostly cuz I’m not large enough to make a whole meal out of… but that’s what makes me the smarter brand of meat. Don’t think I don’t realize why all of you people keep trying to fatten me up… you’re thinking of going into the restaurant business and want me on the menu. Well… I’m not falling for that… time to hit up the old drawing board for plan B.

I think that’s really what makes one eatery better than the next… its ability to find, and make use of, the stupidest meat available. Low end restaurants just don’t have an adequate scouting department.

Oh, I don’t really think I care about who would win in a fight, between a hard-shell and soft-shell taco, anymore. It would be fun to watch the fight though, wouldn’t it? No… probably not. I’m guessing if a hard-shell taco fought a soft-shell taco, they’d probably just sit on the table until someone ate one of them… making the other the victor by default. I think I just answered my question! The winner of the fight is the less desired taco (which, as we’ve already covered is the smarter one).

I wonder what Gilbert Gottfried would have scored on the meat test.

Recap:
Soft-tacos and hard-tacos are mortal enemies;
Grade F meat is an overused term… for smart;
Restaurants, with poor scouting departments, don’t last long these days;
Gilbert Gottfried is probably both, stupider and smarter than an average piece of meat.

Tell your friends the answer to question 4… and then take a bite out of them.

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