When I watch Jeopardy, I know all the answers! Watching Jeopardy makes you feel like the smartest person alive, cuz you can get the answer right 100% of the time… all you have to do is read it off the little blue TV screen (why do they still use old school CRT style TVs, when they could be using some nice 30” plasmas or something?), or listen to Alex Trebek when he’s reading it.

If I’m ever a contestant on Jeopardy, I’m going to buzz in, for absolutely every question, and I’m going to pay attention and get the answer right… and then Alex Trebek is going to look at me, scratch his head, shrug his shoulders, and say “Actually that is the right answer.” Still, I would probably finish with the lowest score in the history of Jeopardy… but that would be cool, cuz I would have gotten all the answers right… and that’s really what matters.

I think I could probably sue the show if I lose… cuz how can a guy, who gets every answer right, lose at Jeopardy? Unless some other contestant answered all the questions right first… and they asked him an extra question… but I’d sue them for favoring that guy over me, cuz that’s discrimination. Any way you look at it, if I get on Jeopardy, I’m going to win a lot of money!

How do you suppose they screen potential Jeopardy contestants? Do you think they ask the people questions? Or give them answers that they want questions to?

I think Jeopardy would be a more entertaining game if the answers were really vague… like under the category of Food, the $1000 answer is: “Peanut Butter,” and the contestant who comes up with the most interesting question wins the money. Alex Trebek would probably get all drunk with power, if they played the game like that, cuz he’d be in complete control of who wins the money… and he’d probably rig the game so that the most attractive female contestant wins (or male contestant if that happens to be his cup of tea).

I bet when Alex Trebek goes out drinking, with his friends, he just starts answering questions that nobody asked. He’d be a strange guy to have a conversation with… cuz he’d finish sentences, before you start them… and every time you asked a question, that he didn’t give you the answer to, he’d call you stupid and tell you you’re wrong. Alex Trebek probably doesn’t have any friends, cuz everyone thinks he’s an asshole… but people still hang out with him cuz he’s rich and buys all the beer.

If I were Alex Trebek, I’d buy a lottery ticket, and if the numbers didn’t win, I’d go down to lottery headquarters and tell them to give me all the money anyway… cuz they’re wrong… then the lottery people would call the police, and tell them Alex Trebek is off his rocker, and he’s trying to steal millions of dollars… so the police would come down to arrest Trebek and they’d say “Sir, lay down on the ground and put your hands behind your head,” to which Trebek would reply “Oh I’m sorry, the correct answer was: Go fuck yourself!” That’s when the police would beat Trebek down, Larry King-style, with their little clubbing sticks.

I bet the whole time Alex Trebek is in prison, the theme song to Jeopardy is playing the background.

Recap:
Watching Jeopardy is an easy way to feel really smart;
When you have the answer to a question… who cares what the question is;
Jeopardy needs to liven itself up by being incredibly vague;
Alex Trebek answers questions before anyone asks them;
Police don’t like it when you tell them to go fuck themselves.

Tell your friends an answer to a question they didn’t ask… and then call them stupid.

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