I’m thinking of auditioning to be an original cast member of Three’s Company. I don’t really care to actually get a part on the show, I just want to hang out with Don Knotts… what a cool son of a bitch that guy was.

I bet Don Knotts used to throw giant-ass parties where he would swing from chandeliers, get shit-faced and rant about how Mr. Roper had nothing on him; that’s what I would do if I were Don Knotts. I think I’d also wear the Deputy outfit from The Andy Griffith Show everyday, and I’d sleep in a lighter-fabric knockoff of the The Deputy outfit from The Andy Griffith Show… and I’d tattoo the Deputy outfit from The Andy Griffith show on my body so that I could wear it at all times. I don’t think Don Knotts did that (considering he was in Three’s Company after The Andy Griffith Show… and while on Three’s Company he frequently wore that plaid getup) but it’s ok cuz he’s Don Knotts… and Don Knotts doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

If I do end up getting cast as an original member of Three’s Company I hope I play Jack… or maybe Janet, but I think I’d prefer to play Jack cuz I didn’t really like Janet… actually I don’t remember ever having anything against her… I’d just prefer playing the role of Jack. Actually I think I did have something against Janet, I was just trying to be nice by saying I didn’t… who knows maybe Janet is reading this right now and thinking “That little punk… oh wait, he’s a fine soul… no, no he’s a jackass and I hate him.”

Anyway, I’ll probably get cast, but then I’ll have to wait a few years until Don Knotts gets a role on the show… so that will suck, but on the bright side, the dude who played Larry Dallas and I will probably hang out at the Regal Beagle everyday… awesome!

How come there aren’t any Regal Beagle’s around here?

Recap:
I’m probably going to be cast as Jack Tripper or Janet Wood on Three’s Company;
Don Knotts is one hip cat;
Janet was an annoying character on Three’s Company;
The chick who played Janet on Three’s Company doesn’t like it when I call her annoying;
Larry Dallas was an alright guy who probably told a lot of dirty jokes cuz his name is Larry Dallas;
Someone around here needs to open a restaurant called the Regal Beagle.

Tell your friends to come and knock on my door.

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