I wish I had a jetpack. I think it would be wicked-fun to float around the neighborhood using a metallic backpack that shoots fire. Imagine pulling up next to some Cavalier, with a big aluminum fin on the back, at a red light… watching some greasy dude rev his engine, and then flying away at speeds that rival sound. Greasy dude would be blown away, metaphorically speaking, at how fast you could go; and physically, cuz the fire that shot out from your jetpack set his stupid car ablaze. What a sucker… way to staple a big aluminum fin to the back of your car douche-bag… had you not hooked up that tank of nitrous oxide your automobile probably wouldn’t have been quite so flammable.

The kicker to having a jetpack is, after you blow up some nerds modified vehicle you could go race a hot-air-balloon… and win… and then the hot chick riding in the hot-air-balloon will be like… “Wow, that guy is so much better than my fiancé who just proposed to me by renting a hot-air-balloon” and she’ll wave you over and jump ship… and then you could rocket around with a flying engine thingy on your back, and a vixen clinging to the front of you… it’s the only way to live.

Jetpacks go fast, which means they’re dangerous. Chicks dig dangerous guys cuz it says to them “Hey, this guy’s dangerous” and chicks like that. I’m not a stupid guy though, I’d wear a helmet. The key to being dangerous is wearing a helmet… cuz it says “I’m dangerous… really dangerous… so dangerous that I need to wear a helmet or I might die.” My helmet would be rad too… it would be like a beanie… and have a propeller on top cuz I’d be flying around, and the propeller would actually rotate and people would be like “Holy shit! Either that guy has a rocket strapped to his back, or his hat is like a little miniature helicopter!”

Why don’t we have helicopter hats? We have helicopters. We have hats. We have hats with propellers on them. So why don’t we have hats with propellers that actually propel us through the sky? I wish I had a propeller hat… it would be like having a jetpack except I wouldn’t have to wear a big, probably heavy, rocket on my back.

Actually, I think the coolest thing would be to have rocket shoes… where the rockets can point either vertically or horizontally, so I could run fast, or fly, or do both at the same time. Women love a man who can run fast, or fly, or do both at the same time… it’s a fact. That’s why retired Olympic sprinters who are now pilots get all the ladies. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman turn down a pilot who once won a gold medal in the 100 meter dash… nope, never seen that before. If you’re a pilot who can run really, really fast, you probably aren’t reading this, cuz you’re too busy fornicating with multiple supermodels right now… good for you!

Reese’s needs to stop mixing peanut butter and chocolate, and start mixing rockets and running shoes.

Recap:
Jetpacks kick ass cuz they help you make bigger fools out of dudes who put giant aluminum wings on their cars;
Beanies are the only sensible helmets to wear if you have a jetpack;
Rocket shoes are a little better than jetpacks cuz chicks like fast pilots;
Reese’s is going to take my advice and shut down the peanut butter cup factory to make room for the rocket shoe plant.

Tell your friends that it’s not a bird, a plane, Superman, a helicopter… actually you know what, tell them it’s Superman.

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