If someone ever decides to throw a toilet at my head, I hope they let me clean it first. It would suck to have a dirty toilet thrown at your head. Hell it would suck to have a clean toilet thrown at your head, but it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as a dirty one. If some dude threw a fresh-out-of-the-store toilet at me, I’d be ok with that… cuz he’d probably be throwing it at me for a reason, and I can take solace in the fact that it’s not used.

I think it should be toilet throwing etiquette, that if you’re going to chuck a toilet at someone, they should have the opportunity to give it a good once over with a toilet brush and some Comet… if they’re real jackasses, just the toilet brush, but most people probably deserve, at least, a shake or two of some kind of toilet cleaner. There’s a pretty good chance that both parties will appreciate the use of toilet cleaner… on the one hand, the dude having a toilet busted over his head doesn’t have to be quite as disgusted as he would be if said toilet were dirty, and he can focus in on the excruciating pain I’d imagine he’s experiencing. On the other hand, the guy throwing the toilet doesn’t necessarily have to focus on inflicting bodily harm with the impact of the toilet alone… but with a little finesse, he can get his target to ingest some, potentially lethal, toilet cleaning product. It’s win-win!

I think the angry end of the entertainment business needs to shift its focus off of getting two bear-sized men to pummel one another in a caged environment, and onto getting random strangers, of all sizes, to hurl toilets at each other. It shouldn’t be a scheduled bout either. The toilet-toss is much more amusing if it’s directed at unsuspecting victims. Who wouldn’t get a chuckle out of seeing a woman in her mid-thirties, happy to have just gotten a promotion, strutting down the street, when WHAM—toilet to the back of the head! That would be neat.

Throwing toilets at people is going to be like the new hand-shake.

Important job interview? Don’t try to impress your potential employer with the firmness of your grip; show him you mean business by cracking a large porcelain bowl over his pointy, overvalued head.

Girlfriend (or boyfriend, if that’s your cup of tea) introducing you to her best-friend of all time? Why not show that friend how awesome a catch you are, but laying her out with that heavy piece of clay that sits atop the tank of the toilet… you know when the chain falls off the handle, and you have to take that lid off… and you see that black pump thingy and wonder… what the hell does that thing do? Yeah, the lid that covers that thing… that’s what you hit your girlfriends best friend with… she’ll remember you forever.

Smashing toilets over peoples faces is a way cooler form of acknowledgement than that “props” thing… you know where some dude sticks out his fist and expects you to gently tap it with your fist… yeah when a dude sticks his fist out at me, I punch him square in the mouth! … Actually I don’t, cuz I’m small, and he’d probably just kick my ass, but I should. Anyway, yeah, when someone does that, from now on, you stick a toilet brush in his hand and then sock him right in the temple, with a nearby toilet bowl.

If you see someone, walking down the street, with a toilet brush in hand, don’t take your eyes off him for a second. Someone is probably waiting, around the next corner, to break a toilet over that guy’s head.

Breaking toilets is going to be bigger than Pokemon!

Recap:
Toilets are like nunchucks… sort of… well they’re entirely different, but can be just as lethal;
Don’t wave, shake hands, or do the props-fist-tapping thing, break toilets instead;
Never carry around a toilet brush in plain-sight, unless you want a face-ful of porcelain.

Tell your friends you love them, by dropping a 50 pound toilet on them! (I have no idea what the typical weight of a toilet is)

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