Last week, some chick insulted me. I don’t remember what it was she said, but it was insulting, so I was like “Betty, that’s not cool of you” and then I beat the crap out of her. Sometimes, when people insult you, you have to pummel them… you know, to show them who’s boss… not Tony Danza… or Judith Light. Why is it when people think of Who’s the Boss they think of Tony Danza? Tony was Angela’s maid… or butler, though I prefer to call him a maid cuz his name wasn’t Jeeves… but yeah, how the hell did he manage to get himself associated with being the boss? The man was a maid!? Does no one else find it peculiar that some woman’s maid is considered the boss? Had Angela decided to toss Tony’s ass out onto the street I don’t think many people would still be considering him the boss. Judith Light really should’ve taken control of that situation and told the writers to chuck Tony’s house-cleaning ass onto the curb… that’s what a real boss would’ve done! Maybe that’s why she wasn’t embraced as the boss… cuz she didn’t really take control of the situation. Kudos to Tony Danza for sticking it to Judith Light… but no kudos to the chick who insulted me… the one I slapped in the face with a frying pan.

When someone deserves a thrashing, it’s best to smack them with a frying pan. Frying pans make for awesome weapons, cuz they’re metallic and easy to wield… they’re like really big hands… and when you’re done whipping ass you can fry up a nice meal. Back before criminals holstered guns, they used to rob banks and liquor stores using frying pans… that’s actually a fact… look it up… seriously. Teflon coated frying pans work even better than regular frying pans, cuz there’s less resistance… you can slap some guy really hard, and the pan will just slide off his face, allowing you to slap him again while moving your arm in a nice fluid motion. I’m pretty sure that’s why Teflon was invented… to make frying pan beatings more convenient. Some entrepreneurial soul just figured Teflon would make things like windshield wipers work better too, so it’s been marketed as a more practical product than it had initially been conceived as.

A couple days ago, I was having this conversation with some girl, and I insulted myself to make her laugh… but then I realized that I had just insulted myself, and that sort of behavior can’t be tolerated… so I had to kick my own ass… you know, to show me who’s boss. For the first few punches, I visualized Judith Light cracking open a can of whoop-ass and pouring the contents into Tony Danza’s lap, scalding his genitals (can’s of whoop-ass are like freshly brewed pots of coffee, but in labeled cans instead of pots) and leaving him writhing in pain on that flowered couch in the middle of the Bower’s living room… but after a few minutes I was sort of delirious and didn’t really know what was going on anymore. After I came to, in the hospital, that chick who I was talking to gave me a hug and said something about being so glad that I’m ok. That’s when I hit her in the face with a brick, for laughing at me when I insulted myself. I really wish I had a frying pan handy, but I guess the hospital staff took it from me when I was admitted… they know how dangerous those things can be… I’m sure they deal with numerous frying-pan-beating victims a day.

Life is like an ever-evolving lesson. It turns out most girls don’t like it when you hit them in the face with bricks… it doesn’t even matter what sort of brick you use… like it could be a brick of cheese, and they still won’t like it. Women are weird. Anyway yeah, I’m not friends with that girl anymore… she didn’t like the fact that I hit her, in the face, for laughing at me. I told her that it wasn’t nice, of her, to laugh at me in the first place and she got what was coming to her. A real friend wouldn’t have laughed at the insult… a real friend would’ve helped me kick my ass for insulting me…

Who needs her?

Recap:
Insults should always result in hefty poundings;
Tony Danza was never the boss;
Teflon was a better idea than anything you’ve come up with.

Insult your friends.

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