A couple days back I was sitting around, drinking a coffee, and I thought it would be a good idea to eat a Kit Kat. Is it Kit Kat, or KitKat? I’m not sure… but either way, I like the product. Actually, to be a little more specific I was eating a Kit Kat Chunky… which is just like one big bar of Kit Kat, as opposed to 4 little ones that got stuck together and packaged, on a conveyer belt in some factory. But what the hell am I talking about? Ummm… yes… so anyway, I was sitting around, drinking a coffee and eating a Kit Kat Chunky, when I made a shocking discovery. If you eat a Kit Kat Chunky (and this probably applies for run of the mill Kit Kat bars as well) while drinking coffee, your Kit Kat bar will, miraculously, become a Coffee Crisp!

Upon realizing that I was eating a Coffee Crisp in a Kit Kat’s body, I felt how, I’d imagine, that Jesus fellow felt when he wrote the constitution… I almost had an embolism… but I didn’t, cuz an embolism would have absolutely nothing to do with any of this. Instead of the embolism, I just had a flashback to those Coffee Crisp commercials where those old ladies are shootin’ the shit and Old Lady 1 turns to Old Lady 2 and says “how do you like your coffee?” and Old Lady 2 replies “crisp!” and Old Lady 1 doesn’t get it… but Old Lady 2 knows exactly what’s going on!

Here’s the thing; I think Kit Kat’s are overpriced. If I walk into a convenience store and do some price checking, I’m confident that Kit Kat and Coffee Crisp will cost the same amount of money. Now that I know Kit Kat is really just Coffee Crisp sans coffee, how am I supposed to be ok with spending the same amount for a Kit Kat? The Coffee Crisp people have to buy an extra ingredient (coffee) to put in their chocolate bars, and somehow they turn a profit… even after charging the exact same amount as the Kit Kat people do, without buying any coffee. I like Kit Kat bars, but why do the sons-o-bitches, at Kit Kat headquarters, feel the need to swindle the hard working, Kit Kat-loving consumer? It’s not right!

In light of these discoveries, I’ve become a big fan of the dudes running the Coffee Crisp show. I bet the Coffee Crisp exec’s passed on making millions of dollars, driving Ferrari’s and living in castles, just so people like me, and the old lady from the Coffee Crisp commercials, could enjoy a nice refreshing Coffee Crisp bar, for the same price as its coffee-less equivalent, the Kit Kat.

All this thinking about the greedy people at Kit Kat headquarters reminded me of something Mitch Hedberg once noted after eating a Kit Kat. If you examine a Kit Kat bar, you’ll notice that the title “Kit Kat” is inscribed on each piece of the chocolate… and as the late, great Hedberg quipped “that’s a clever chocolate-saving technique” he followed that statement by claiming the Kit Kat people owe him some letters. The point is, not only are the Kit Kat people charging consumers for coffee that they aren’t buying, they’re also charging consumers for 2 K’s, an I, an A, and 2 T’s worth of chocolate.

I’m going to figure out how much money Kit Kat is saving on chocolate and coffee, and then I’m going to write the president of Kit Kat enterprises, demanding a refund. Gluttonous jackass!

Recap:
Kit Kat may be spelled KitKat;
Some old lady likes her coffee crisp… what a clever minx;
Greedy businessmen need to stop buying coffee with my money;
I miss Mitch Hedberg.

Tell your friends you like your coffee paid for by the Kit Kat people.

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